Have you ever tried to hurry a little boy into his clothing and out the door?  It is usually to no avail — the shirt becomes a pirate’s hat, and then his eye catches a forgotten toy — everything is so richly distracting to children, because they are still engaged so deeply in living life.

This is what is so easy to forget as an adult – how to be passionate and engaged and see the magic in life.

So why do we try to pounce it out of them? “Straighten up!  Hurry Up!  Come on, we’ll be late!”

LATE FOR WHAT????   What is the hurry?!!!! What could be more important than living?

This is a great reminder for me.  Whenever I climb back onto that treadmill of “earning a living,” I tend to forget how to slow down and BE where my children are.  I often forget how to take time to meet them here, in the moment, even if it’s only for  a snatched 10 minutes at a time.  But when I do, I find Pure Bliss.

XOXO

Linda

www.RivieraPlaySchool.com

Riviera PlaySchool in Redondo Beach, CA
TEACHING FROM BALANCE
A humanistic, constructivist, and mindful program for the “whole child,” inspired by the best of Attachment Parenting, Reggio Emilia, Montessori, Waldorf and Compassionate Communication.

“Here, Kian — some tape!  A staple!  Glue!!  A new one!” A different one!”

I would reel off the remedies like so many spinning plates, but nothing worked.  The more I tried to fix it for him, the louder and more insistent his crying would become.

My antics as “Mommy fix it” lasted for 4 and a half years, until one day (just as my arms were ready to fall off from all of that plate spinning) I realized that what Kian wanted was something I could not give him: an older, more capable body.  Fingers that could manipulate deftly, arms strong enough to move the mountains in his imagination, and legs that could run fast enough to carry his quick mind.

I also realized that what I could give him was my attention.  Maybe his crying was  a request to be seen, and heard.  I learned to stop, and rather than diving in to try to fix it, I would simply reflect what it appeared he might be feeling.

“Kian, you sound frustrated.  It looks like you are having a hard time taping that piece of cardboard to your car.”

“YEAAAACHHH!”  The end note was high enough to shatter glass.

“I wonder what you could do to make your plan happen?  Is there anything I can do to help?”

“NoOo!”

I realized that the reason why I had the overwhelming compulsion to dive in and fix his frustration is because Kian is his mother’s son.  I, too, am have some perfectionist tendencies… the same tendencies that would trigger that keening in Kian.  Maybe I just needed to take a step back and work on my own feelings about this….  Another learning opportunity.  Great (just what I was hoping for!)

Then one day, at a friend’s birthday party, Kian was playing with a whistle he had just received.  I watched him toot the whistle joyfully when suddenly, it dropped right down the sewer — as though someone had snatched it from his mouth, his lips still pursed for another toot.  One minute he was blowing through it happily, and the next, it had popped right out of his hands and dropped down into that black hole in the street.

Kian looked completely stunned, and then he started to cry long, choking sobs of desolation.  It was as though his joy had been snatched right out of his hands by something unseen and beyond his control.  I wondered whether life in his still developing body often felt like that.

As I listened to his pained sobbing, I had to fight the urge to make it better.  I resisted the urge to offer suggestions.  Instead, I let him cry, and I listened, and let him be seen and heard.  Once in a while I reflected.

“I’m sooo sad!!!”

”You’re sad.”

” I loooost it!!”

“You lost it.  What can you do?” (and NOT “what can I DO for you?”  ;)

He cried for 5 minutes more. Each of those minutes lasted an hour.  I sat by, saying nothing.  I was just “there.” I noticed his emotions, and resisted the incredible urge to dive in and smooth down ruffled feathers;  kiss Kian and make everything better.  A lot went on in those 5 minutes, but it was all in my head, and in Kian’s body.

Finally Kian seemed to reach down inside himself and pull something out.  He sat up straighter, and a glimmer of hope flashed through the tears.  He choked out, gasping through his sobs, “Hey, I know!  They have more whistles.”

“Really?  Are you sure?” I was a little skeptical — I was afraid it might have been Kian’s magical thinking that conjured up that bag of whistles, ready for the picking.

“Yes!  I saw them”  Kian was still crying, and it was hard to understand him, between the choking sobs. ” I can go back and ask them for another!”

“Ok Kian.  Let’s try.”  We hopped out of the car and walked back toward the park.

When we reached the entrance, the last of the party goers were just leaving.  His friend’s mother was one of them, and she was carrying a bag.  Kian walked right over: “Geri, do you have any more whistles?   Mine went down the sewer.”

“Well Yes, Kian. We do have more whistles.  Here you go!”  She reached into her bag and pulled out a replacement whistle for him.  A satisfied calm swept over Kian’s face, as he whistled his way all the way back to our car.  Kian was self-contained in his joy, and his  newfound power was in every bouncy step.

Kian grew a lot that day.  He stepped right into his power.  And I learned a little more about how to step back at just the right time.  Score one for mommy!

Riviera PlaySchool in Redondo Beach, CA
TEACHING FROM BALANCE
A Mindful program for the ‘Whole Child,’ inspired by the best of Attachment Parenting, Reggio Emilia, Bev Bos, Montessori, Waldorf and Non-Violent Communication.

Wherever you go, it is the staff who make a school what it is.  And the staff at Riviera PlaySchool are all grounded in the same philosophy — that of non violent communication, and mindfulness.  You will notice that every interaction between child and adult has a consistent and tangible feeling of respect and compassion.  And when any conflict occurs, it is a true learning moment, and teachers are on hand to hold space for the children to resolve their own conflicts.  We try not to rush to a resolution of our adult creation.  Sometimes children can take a while to sort a conflict out to a place they deem to be “fair.”.  And we give them space to take the time to do that, while offering support, and helping them keep bodies and hearts safe.  We pay particular attention to where we are during the conflict.  We stay on the sidelines, energetically.  We don’t jump into the fray reactively.  If we notice our speech becoming more rapid, or our voice becoming louder, then that’s a signal to us to take a step back and let them have their own emotions about the conflict at hand.  It’s pretty tricky, and it keeps us more awake as people.  It is an incredibly magical thing to witness a couple of small children figure out a workable solution to their volatile dilemma…and then walk away laughing together, more emotionally and socially intelligent than before.

Riviera PlaySchool is mainly child-directed.  In other words, the teachers at PlaySchool meet the children where they are.  Not just physically, by getting down on the same level when we speak, but also energetically, by being in the moment, and celebrating in their successes, and joining them in the joy of creation.

In the tradition of Reggio Emilia and Bev Bos, we know that the environment is also a teacher.   So in the classroom (both outdoors and inside) we facilitate enriching environments within which the children can learn through freely allowed exploration.  And we know that the very best “toys” and “tools” for this exploration are the ones that are open-ended and undefined.

We like to make opportunities to allow for magic in our teaching by providing lots of parts of things for the children: tape, boxes, spools, pipe cleaners, twine, wire, glue-paint, glitter, scissors, tongue depressors, yarn, pom poms, cardboard tubes, corrugated cardboard, glue guns for attaching heavy parts (when building spaceships, for example) ribbon, string, fabric …

And we then let the kids lead us, and devise their own creations.  Parts allow us to create fantasies. Today we had a big box at PlaySchool. The children first painted it, then another group made it into a car, and then it became a clubhouse…. the play was emergent, organic, and fantastic.

Magic can happen in any environment if you have a few elements:

- freedom to explore

- power; permission to create

- space to create in

(I think this is also the definition of how invention happens!!)

We follow the most current practices in Early Childhood Education: we embrace and nurture the “Whole Child,” and allow each child to learn at his or her own pace.  We believe an environment that provides children with the elements listed above is best suited for every child.  Any person feels good in an environment that empowers them.

The children leaving our program understand more than just 1 + 1, they understand that 1 weighs less than 2.

Our graduates are honed for primary school:  they are well developed in all realms, cognitive, emotional, and social; they are able to resolve their own conflicts peacefully, are well-grounded, sure-footed, confident, understand themselves well, and are able to self-regulate, and have incredible critical thinking skills.

Most importantly, we believe that each person is born with at least one special, particular gift, and an environment that allows them to focus on what enthuses them is best suited to help those individual gifts emerge and become honed and developed.

As Plato said:   ”Do not train children to learning by force and harshness, but direct them to it by what amuses their minds, so that you may be better able to discover with accuracy the peculiar bent of the genius of each.”

Riviera PlaySchool offers a humanistic, constructivist, and mindful program for the “whole child,” inspired by the best of Attachment Parenting, Reggio Emilia, and Non Violent (Compassionate) Communication.  We are also inspired by the fun and freedom to explore of Bev Bos, the beautiful and abundant nature of Waldorf, and Maria Montessori’s easily digestible, experiential approach to learning.

Come join us for a visit!

Linda Shannon

www.RivieraPlaySchool.com

"Who would've thought soap and water could be so much fun?"

Old-Fashioned Play Builds Serious Skills

(Click Here to Listen to the Story)

by Alix Spiegel

NPR    February 21, 2008

On October 3, 1955, the Mickey Mouse Club debuted on television. As we all now know, the show quickly became a cultural icon, one of those phenomena that helped define an era.

What is less remembered but equally, if not more, important, is that another transformative cultural event happened that day: The Mattel toy company began advertising a gun called the “Thunder Burp.”

I know — who’s ever heard of the Thunder Burp?

Well, no one.

The reason the advertisement is significant is because it marked the first time that any toy company had attempted to peddle merchandise on television outside of the Christmas season. Until 1955, ad budgets at toy companies were minuscule, so the only time they could afford to hawk their wares on TV was during Christmas. But then came Mattel and the Thunder Burp, which, according to Howard Chudacoff, a cultural historian at Brown University, was a kind of historical watershed. Almost overnight, children’s play became focused, as never before, on things — the toys themselves.

“It’s interesting to me that when we talk about play today, the first thing that comes to mind are toys,” says Chudacoff. “Whereas when I would think of play in the 19th century, I would think of activity rather than an object.”

Chudacoff’s recently published history of child’s play argues that for most of human history what children did when they played was roam in packs large or small, more or less unsupervised, and engage in freewheeling imaginative play. They were pirates and princesses, aristocrats and action heroes. Basically, says Chudacoff, they spent most of their time doing what looked like nothing much at all.

“They improvised play, whether it was in the outdoors… or whether it was on a street corner or somebody’s back yard,” Chudacoff says. “They improvised their own play; they regulated their play; they made up their own rules.”

But during the second half of the 20th century, Chudacoff argues, play changed radically. Instead of spending their time in autonomous shifting make-believe, children were supplied with ever more specific toys for play and predetermined scripts. Essentially, instead of playing pirate with a tree branch they played Star Wars with a toy light saber. Chudacoff calls this the commercialization and co-optation of child’s play — a trend which begins to shrink the size of children’s imaginative space.

But commercialization isn’t the only reason imagination comes under siege. In the second half of the 20th century, Chudacoff says, parents became increasingly concerned about safety, and were driven to create play environments that were secure and could not be penetrated by threats of the outside world. Karate classes, gymnastics, summer camps — these create safe environments for children, Chudacoff says. And they also do something more: for middle-class parents increasingly worried about achievement, they offer to enrich a child’s mind.

Change in Play, Change in Kids

Clearly the way that children spend their time has changed. Here’s the issue: A growing number of psychologists believe that these changes in what children do has also changed kids’ cognitive and emotional development.

It turns out that all that time spent playing make-believe actually helped children develop a critical cognitive skill called executive function. Executive function has a number of different elements, but a central one is the ability to self-regulate. Kids with good self-regulation are able to control their emotions and behavior, resist impulses, and exert self-control and discipline.

We know that children’s capacity for self-regulation has diminished. A recent study replicated a study of self-regulation first done in the late 1940s, in which psychological researchers asked kids ages 3, 5 and 7 to do a number of exercises. One of those exercises included standing perfectly still without moving. The 3-year-olds couldn’t stand still at all, the 5-year-olds could do it for about three minutes, and the 7-year-olds could stand pretty much as long as the researchers asked. In 2001, researchers repeated this experiment. But, psychologist Elena Bodrova at Mid-Continent Research for Education and Learning says, the results were very different.

“Today’s 5-year-olds were acting at the level of 3-year-olds 60 years ago, and today’s 7-year-olds were barely approaching the level of a 5-year-old 60 years ago,” Bodrova explains. “So the results were very sad.”

Sad because self-regulation is incredibly important. Poor executive function is associated with high dropout rates, drug use and crime. In fact, good executive function is a better predictor of success in school than a child’s IQ. Children who are able to manage their feelings and pay attention are better able to learn. As executive function researcher Laura Berk explains, “Self-regulation predicts effective development in virtually every domain.”

The Importance of Self-Regulation

According to Berk, one reason make-believe is such a powerful tool for building self-discipline is because during make-believe, children engage in what’s called private speech: They talk to themselves about what they are going to do and how they are going to do it.

“In fact, if we compare preschoolers’ activities and the amount of private speech that occurs across them, we find that this self-regulating language is highest during make-believe play,” Berk says. “And this type of self-regulating language… has been shown in many studies to be predictive of executive functions.”

And it’s not just children who use private speech to control themselves. If we look at adult use of private speech, Berk says, “we’re often using it to surmount obstacles, to master cognitive and social skills, and to manage our emotions.”

Unfortunately, the more structured the play, the more children’s private speech declines. Essentially, because children’s play is so focused on lessons and leagues, and because kids’ toys increasingly inhibit imaginative play, kids aren’t getting a chance to practice policing themselves. When they have that opportunity, says Berk, the results are clear: Self-regulation improves.

“One index that researchers, including myself, have used… is the extent to which a child, for example, cleans up independently after a free-choice period in preschool,” Berk says. “We find that children who are most effective at complex make-believe play take on that responsibility with… greater willingness, and even will assist others in doing so without teacher prompting.”

Despite the evidence of the benefits of imaginative play, however, even in the context of preschool young children’s play is in decline. According to Yale psychological researcher Dorothy Singer, teachers and school administrators just don’t see the value.

“Because of the testing, and the emphasis now that you have to really pass these tests, teachers are starting earlier and earlier to drill the kids in their basic fundamentals. Play is viewed as unnecessary, a waste of time,” Singer says. “I have so many articles that have documented the shortening of free play for children, where the teachers in these schools are using the time for cognitive skills.”

It seems that in the rush to give children every advantage — to protect them, to stimulate them, to enrich them — our culture has unwittingly compromised one of the activities that helped children most. All that wasted time was not such a waste after all.

Workshop Content:

This workshop will focus on gaining insight into the nature of early learning and how parents can nurture and encourage the natural abilities in their children. Discussion points to include:

• The nature of learning
• How parents can support children in building confidence in their capabilities
• Learning to trust your child’s innate abilities
• Differences in learning styles
• Multiple intelligences
• The risks of criticism and praise
• How unwanted help diminishes learning
• Distinguishing between being responsive and being intrusive (cuing in to your child’s signals)
• Supporting children’s natural curiosity of inquiry

Introducing Facilitators Laura Dotson and Melody Elder:

Laura Dotson M.A., LMFT, is the mother of 4 adult children and the grandmother of three.  Laura has had over 40 years of varied experience working with adults, children, families of all kinds. She was a long time staff member at Play Mountain Place (a humanistic preschool and elementary school) and currently is the Psychological consultant at Manhattan Beach Nursery School, working with parents, children, and staff members.  Laura is a Marriage and Family therapist; she holds a Masters Degree in clinical psychology and maintains a private practice in Hermosa Beach.

Melody Elder M.A.Ed., the mother of an adult daughter, is a teacher and parent educator with over 40 years experience working with families in nursery school, elementary school, and home-school settings.  She has taught parenting classes for both South Bay Adult School and the Center for Positive Parenting and currently works part-time teaching and directing at Manhattan Beach Nursery School.  Melody maintains a private coaching practice in the South Bay where she works individually with parents and facilitates parenting support groups.  She holds a Master’s Degree in Education and in Spiritual Psychology and is a credentialed teacher in Early Childhood, Elementary, and Special Education.

RESERVE YOUR SPOT EARLY!

Date: Tuesday, May 29

Time: 7:00 to 9:00 pm

Cost: $10 per person for enrolled families; $25 per person for general public  (100% of this donation goes toward supporting our school.)

Location: Riviera PlaySchool

It is such a vicious cycle! I am exhausted by feeling compelled to over-do everything else to make up for the ‘luxury’ of staying at home. And then guilt drives me to “do without” in lieu of being with my child. It is insidious, how, little by little I have given up doing things for myself, because I believe that I should be spending more time with my child. But then finally I realized that I was doing nothing for my own pure enjoyment anymore. Everything had become a compromise, or hinged on that love I have for my child. I was sitting there, faced with a stark reality of what my life had become: a slave to my children, and ZERO 1:1 time with MYSELF.  I was relegated to snatching stolen moments of the sweet pleasure of my own, quiet, and peaceful, undemanding company of myself, as though I were my own secret lover.  I found myself stealing seconds at the computer, all the while yelling to the other room “just a moment honey…” and as I yelled it, I couldn’t help but feel a twinge of guilt.  ”You aren’t fully attending to your child,” one voice judged. “You are not enthralled in what he is saying,” another voice announced.  And I also heard, under all of that, a whisper of resentment that I was, yet again, not able to be fully present with my own things, my own passions, my own stuff!

I realized that I had begun to lose my lovely multifaceted self, and had begun to merge into simply, “mum.”  And as lovely as the word is, it is not sufficient to express fully the beautiful essence of who I am.  I would never willingly describe myself with one single adjective, just as I could never sum up my children with only one.

So the question is, what about YOU? Remember the oxygen mask rule: when flying, we are instructed to, in case of a loss in air quality, put the mask on ourselves before helping our child. The same goes for life: take care of yourself well, so you can have enough to share with your child and your family. Hire a sitter or swap with a friend so you can each have some mommy time, and fill yourself back up so there more MOMMY to go around!!!!

So the question is, what about YOU? Remember the oxygen mask rule: when flying, we are instructed to, in case of a loss in air quality, put the mask on ourselves before helping our

child. The same goes for life: take care of yourself well, so you can have enough to share with your child and your family. Hire a sitter or swap with a friend so you can each have

some mommy time, and fill yourself back up so there more MOMMY to go around!!!!