DETAILS:

“Here, Kian — some tape!  A staple!  Glue!!  A new one!” A different one!”

I would reel off the remedies like so many spinning plates, but nothing worked.  The more I tried to fix it for him, the louder and more insistent his crying would become.

My antics as “Mommy fix it” lasted for 4 and a half years, until one day (just as my arms were ready to fall off from all of that plate spinning) I realized that what Kian wanted was something I could not give him: an older, more capable body.  Fingers that could manipulate deftly, arms strong enough to move the mountains in his imagination, and legs that could run fast enough to carry his quick mind.

I also realized that what I could give him was my attention.  Maybe his crying was  a request to be seen, and heard.  I learned to stop, and rather than diving in to try to fix it, I would simply reflect what it appeared he might be feeling.

“Kian, you sound frustrated.  It looks like you are having a hard time taping that piece of cardboard to your car.”

“YEAAAACHHH!”  The end note was high enough to shatter glass.

“I wonder what you could do to make your plan happen?  Is there anything I can do to help?”

“NoOo!”

I realized that the reason why I had the overwhelming compulsion to dive in and fix his frustration is because Kian is his mother’s son.  I, too, am have some perfectionist tendencies… the same tendencies that would trigger that keening in Kian.  Maybe I just needed to take a step back and work on my own feelings about this….  Another learning opportunity.  Great (just what I was hoping for!)

Then one day, at a friend’s birthday party, Kian was playing with a whistle he had just received.  I watched him toot the whistle joyfully when suddenly, it dropped right down the sewer — as though someone had snatched it from his mouth, his lips still pursed for another toot.  One minute he was blowing through it happily, and the next, it had popped right out of his hands and dropped down into that black hole in the street.

Kian looked completely stunned, and then he started to cry long, choking sobs of desolation.  It was as though his joy had been snatched right out of his hands by something unseen and beyond his control.  I wondered whether life in his still developing body often felt like that.

As I listened to his pained sobbing, I had to fight the urge to make it better.  I resisted the urge to offer suggestions.  Instead, I let him cry, and I listened, and let him be seen and heard.  Once in a while I reflected.

“I’m sooo sad!!!”

”You’re sad.”

” I loooost it!!”

“You lost it.  What can you do?” (and NOT “what can I DO for you?”  ;)

He cried for 5 minutes more. Each of those minutes lasted an hour.  I sat by, saying nothing.  I was just “there.” I noticed his emotions, and resisted the incredible urge to dive in and smooth down ruffled feathers;  kiss Kian and make everything better.  A lot went on in those 5 minutes, but it was all in my head, and in Kian’s body.

Finally Kian seemed to reach down inside himself and pull something out.  He sat up straighter, and a glimmer of hope flashed through the tears.  He choked out, gasping through his sobs, “Hey, I know!  They have more whistles.”

“Really?  Are you sure?” I was a little skeptical — I was afraid it might have been Kian’s magical thinking that conjured up that bag of whistles, ready for the picking.

“Yes!  I saw them”  Kian was still crying, and it was hard to understand him, between the choking sobs. ” I can go back and ask them for another!”

“Ok Kian.  Let’s try.”  We hopped out of the car and walked back toward the park.

When we reached the entrance, the last of the party goers were just leaving.  His friend’s mother was one of them, and she was carrying a bag.  Kian walked right over: “Geri, do you have any more whistles?   Mine went down the sewer.”

“Well Yes, Kian. We do have more whistles.  Here you go!”  She reached into her bag and pulled out a replacement whistle for him.  A satisfied calm swept over Kian’s face, as he whistled his way all the way back to our car.  Kian was self-contained in his joy, and his  newfound power was in every bouncy step.

Kian grew a lot that day.  He stepped right into his power.  And I learned a little more about how to step back at just the right time.  Score one for mommy!

Riviera PlaySchool in Redondo Beach, CA
TEACHING FROM BALANCE
A Mindful program for the ‘Whole Child,’ inspired by the best of Attachment Parenting, Reggio Emilia, Bev Bos, Montessori, Waldorf and Non-Violent Communication.

–
Riviera PlaySchool in Redondo Beach, CA
PARENTING FROM BALANCE
A mindful, “kid-centric” hands-on learning preschool program for the “whole child,” in a nature-ful, organic environment.  Riviera PlaySchool is inspired by the best of Attachment Parenting, Reggio Emilia and Non-Violent Communication.

direct: (310)408-5616

www.RivieraPlaySchool.com

“People are people no matter how small.”  ~ Horton

Perhaps the most important thing about being a parent is to know that we are mentoring all of the time. As Joseph Chilton Pearce says, “We must be the person who we want our child to become.” So if we want our child to love themselves as they deserve to be loved, and to respect themselves with the respect they deserve, and to be OK with being “less than perfect,” then we have to offer that same regard to ourselves first. Ease up on yourself when you are less than “perfect.” (What is, IS perfect, because it IS!)

You have all of the answers your family needs. When in doubt, tune into your your inner compass. You are the guiding light of the house; “mother (father) knows best.” Your child chose you for the answers you have for her. Your child chose you for the parent you are right now — not some perfect parent you will become someday. So the great news is that you get to relax and trust yourself! You ARE enough!

Our children are here to teach us as much as we are here to provide guidance to them. Who else in your life has the ability to take you deep within yourself on a journey of self-discovery and re-ignite that fire within?

Parenting from balance is as simple as taking a step back, and responding to life. How refreshing and so much easier it is to relax into your own family groove, than to keep a stiff upper lip and stay in that grueling race with the Jones’es!

and will run through Friday, February 17, 2012.  Enrollment for the 2011 year is on-going.  We hope you will join one of our Parent Information Nights

which will be held in our classroom at St.Andrew's Church in Redondo Beach.

Enrolling 5-7 Year Old Students - Please attend one or more of the following
Tuesday, November 15, 2011 - 7:00pm
Tuesday, December 13, 2011 - 7:00pm
Monday, January 30, 2012 - 7:00pm (“Changing Education Paradigms” Workshop with Melody Elder)

Register at http://enrollattkg.eventbrite.com/

The application is available at knowinggarden.org

--Our classroom is open. We are not improving on the existing model, we are part of the movement that is redefining elementary school.

-- Every student keeps a portfolio of work to showcase their individual growth.

-- We use the State Standards only as a touchstone for inspiring projects.  We do not test nor assess based on those standards

-- Every student spends time analyzing, integrating, and applying concepts to real-life learning opportunities. Compared to traditional schools, our day includes conflict resolution,

community meetings, more writing and project-based assignments, zero fill-in-the-blanks worksheets and currently, no homework.

-- Every student participates in Math, Science and Engineering, Language Arts, Storytelling,  Music, Art, Environmental studies and Physical activity

all facilitated by a credentialed teacher. 

The Knowing Garden is a non-profit, private school open to anyone.  Priority goes to students who apply during the Open Enrollment period.

by Janet Gonzalez- Mena, MA  “Child Family and Community”

A narrow and simplistic view of what is “Ready to Learn” focuses on teaching academics to young children.  This view ignores the huge societal changes that need to come about to ensure that all children have an equal chance for academic achievement in school. To truly have an equal chance for school success we need to eradicate poverty. give everybody health care benefits, ensure enough nutritious food, and provide decent housing.  Focusing on early academics is a cheaper but far less effective road to school success than what the brain research indicates.  Good health and social -emotional stability in the early years of life are the real roads to later achievement.  Cognitive development is vitally tied to  the social-emotional realm of development (Lally, 1998; Shore, 1997; Zigler, Finn-Stevenson, & Hall, 2003)  Instead of working toward a decent life for every child, the major societal approach is to use standardized tests to see who is behind in academic skills and then use remediation devices to catch them up.  It will take a few years to discover that this band-aid approach won’t work to take care of the wounds too many children in this country suffer in their early years.

It may not take years to discover the other problems inherent in basing educational systems solely around standardized tests.  Testing works as a stratifying tool through cultural bias.  Teachers, in order to raise their class test scores, find themselves “teaching to the test,” which means  they minimize problem solving and creativity i their classroom activities.  The tests dictate what children need to know regardless of their knowledge, experiences, and cultural differences.

Kindergarten readiness, a hot topic among politicians, is also a hot topic among parents.  With this in mind, let’s look at how kindergarten readiness goes far beyond learning the ABC’s and starts way back in infancy.  Here are some general indicators that early childhood educators agree show children are prepared to enter kindergarten:

1. Children who are ready for kindergarten are those who feel good about themselves.

The problem is that much of the discipline used makes children feel bad about themselves.  Children don’t feel good about themselves  by being made to feel bad.  Discipline should not only leave self-esteem intact but should also actually raise it when adults use modeling, guidance, and feedback.  Communication is an important part of discipline; adults should discuss feelings and behavior instead of criticizing  the child.  Adults who understand the importance of communication separate the child from the behavior, saying things like “I won’t let you hit your sister – it hurts her” instead of “Stop that, you bad boy!”

2. Children who are ready for kindergarten are those who gain knowledge from mistakes.

Some of the best lessons come from things that don’t work.  It’s easy to take the lesson out of the mistake by rescuing children so they don’t learn about the consequences of their actions.  Or the opposite situation occurs when the adult reacts to a mistake with harsh punishment.  When children become fearful of mistakes, they quit risking.  Reasonable risks are good learning devices.  This child who avoids them misses out on a lot of important lessons.

3. Children who are ready for kindergarten can communicate.

They have lots of experience in talking and listening.  They know how to carry on a conversation.  A conversation means not just talking but listening and responding appropriately as well.  Adults should start emphasizing communication early.  Even infants enjoy conversation and taking turns “talking.”  They also play with language.  As children grow older, keeping a playful attitude toward language helps encourage it.

4. Children who are ready for kindergarten can weigh alternatives and make sound choices.

Visualizing alternatives and their consequences in an important life skill.  Children who arrive in kindergarten with plenty of opportunities to practice this skill come better prepared.  When the “prepared child” gets hit by another child, she asks herself, “What are some ways I can react, and what are the consequences of each?”  The child without the ability to visualize alternatives just lashes back without thinking.  Aggression, in the face of aggression is a poor choice.  Some children never learn that, unfortunately.  Some children have no ability to imagine any response other than hitting.

5. Children who are ready for kindergarten can concentrate and focus

If they can’t do that, the problem may be too much television.  It might seem as though children develop a long attention span from watching television, because they are willing to sit and stare at it for long hours.  But turn it off and what happens?  They don’t know how to entertain themselves.  We add to the problem by over scheduling their time.  Children don’t develop long attention spans when they are never allowed to play for long periods, never free to follow their inclinations to get involved in something of their own choice, never encouraged to work at length on some project they are interested in (Elkind, 2007).  Adults tend to interrupt children, hurry them up, get them going on the next event.  Preschool programs can contribute to the problem if they keep children on a tight schedule, move them rapidly from one activity to another, and never give them a chance to work at length or in depth on anything.

No Child Left Behind has no redeemable qualities.  It is creating children who lack critical thinking skills, are less able to manage themselves socially, and classrooms that disenfranchise children based on their intelligence.  The effect of linking accountability to achievement as proved by testing is to make the teaches anxious to have only the most teachable students in their classroom.  What if your child is not a “star” in every subject…. would you want her or him to be made to feel unwanted?

Just passing this on….from Linda, with Love.

Riviera PlaySchool in Redondo Beach, CA
PARENTING FROM BALANCE
A Mindful program for the ‘Whole Child,’ inspired by the best of Attachment Parenting, Reggio Emilia, Montessori, Waldorf and Non-Violent (Compassionate or Authentic) Communication.

www.RivieraPlaySchool.com

“People are people no matter how small.”  ~ Horton

I wanted to share this workshop with you – Melody Elder is an amazing resource
on the topic of anything having to do with parenting in the compassionate
paradigm. The Knowing Garden is another amazing (K-8) school (like DaVinci and Riviera PlaySchool) that
combines project based learning with non violent / compassionate communication, and “power with,” rather than “power over.”

XX
Linda Shannon
Founding Director, Riviera PlaySchool

THINGS THAT COME UP AT SCHOOL – a workshop no getting through lessons and homework with positive connections

The Knowing Garden, along with Melody Elder M.A. E.d. is hosting a Parenting
Workshop on Monday, Oct 17th. The subject is “Things That Come Up At School”
and it focuses on getting through lessons and homework with positive connections
as well as being the best advocate you can be for your student.

All families are welcome. Please click here for information and
registration: http://knowinggarden.org/parenting-workshop/

Contact knowinggarden@… with any questions.

“Here, Kian — some tape!  A staple!  Glue!!  A new one!” A different one!”

I would reel off the remedies like so many spinning plates, but nothing worked.  The more I tried to fix it for him, the louder and more insistent his crying would become.

My antics as “Mommy fix it” lasted for 4 years, until one day (just as my arms were ready to fall off from all of that plate spinning) I realized that what Kian wanted was something I could not give him: an older, more capable body.  Fingers that could manipulate deftly, arms strong enough to move the mountains in his imagination, and legs that could run fast enough to carry his quick mind.

I also realized that what I could give him was my attention.  Maybe his crying was  a request to be seen, and heard.  I learned to stop, and rather than diving in to try to fix it, I would simply reflect what It appeared he was feeling.

“Kian, you sound frustrated.  It looks like you are having a hard time taping that piece of cardboard to your car.”

“YEAAAACHHH!”  The end note was high enough to shatter glass.

“I wonder what you could do to make your plan happen?  Is there anything I can do to help?”

“NoOo!”

I realized that the reason why I had the overwhelming compulsion to dive in and fix his frustration is because Kian is his mother’s son.  I, too, have some perfectionist tendencies… the same tendencies that seem to trigger that keening in Kian.  Maybe I just needed to take a step back and work on my own feelings about this….  Another learning opportunity.  Great (just what I was hoping for!)

Then one day, at a friend’s birthday party, Kian was playing with a whistle he had just received.  I watched him toot the whistle joyfully when suddenly, it dropped right down the sewer — as though someone had snatched it from his mouth, his lips still pursed for another toot.  One minute he was blowing through it happily, and the next, it had popped right out of his hands and dropped down into that black hole in the street.

Kian looked completely stunned, and then he started to cry long, choking sobs of desolation.  It was as though his joy had been snatched right out of his hands by something unseen and beyond his control.  I wondered whether life in his still developing body often felt like that.

As I listened to his pained sobbing, I had to fight the urge to make it better.  I resisted the urge to offer suggestions.  Instead, I let him cry, and I listened, and let him be seen and heard.  Once in a while I reflected.

“I’m sooo sad!!!”

“You’re sad.”

” I loooost it!!”

“You lost it.  What can you do?”

He cried for 5 minutes more. Each of those minutes lasted an hour.  I sat by, saying nothing.  I was just “there.” I noticed his emotions, and resisted the incredible urge to dive in and smooth down ruffled feathers;  kiss Kian and make everything better.  A lot went on in those 5 minutes, but it was all in my head, and in Kian’s body.

Finally Kian seemed to reach down inside himself and pull something out.  He sat up straighter, and a glimmer of hope flashed through the tears.  He choked out, gasping through his sobs, “Hey, I know!  They have more whistles.”

“Really?  Are you sure?” I was a little skeptical — I was afraid it might have been Kian’s magical thinking that conjured up that bag of whistles, ready for the picking.

“Yes!  I saw them”  Kian was still crying, and it was hard to understand him, between the choking sobs. ” I can go back and ask them for another!”

“Ok Kian.  Let’s try.”  We hopped out of the car and walked back toward the park.

When we reached the entrance, the last of the party goers were just leaving.  His friend’s mother was one of them, and she was carrying a bag.  Kian walked right over: “Geri, do you have any more whistles?   Mine went down the sewer.”

“Well Yes, Kian. We do have more whistles.  Here you go!”  She reached into her bag and pulled out a replacement whistle for him.  A satisfied calm swept over Kian’s face, as he whistled his way all the way back to our car.  Kian was self-contained in his joy, and his  newfound power was in every bouncy step.

Kian grew a lot that day.  He stepped right into his power.  And I learned a little more about how to step back at just the right time.  Score one for mommy!

Riviera PlaySchool in Redondo Beach, CA

Parenting From Balance

A humanistic, constructivist, and mindful program for the “whole child,” inspired by the best of Attachment Parenting, Reggio Emilia, Montessori, Waldorf and Compassionate Communication.

direct: (310)408-5616

www.RivieraPlaySchool.com

“People are people no matter how small.”  ~ Horton

Wisdom begins in wonder.    -    Socrates

“Do not train children to learning by force and harshness, but direct them to it by what amuses their minds, so that you may be better able to discover with accuracy the peculiar bent of the genius of each.”  ~ Plato

“If a child is to keep his inborn sense of wonder, he needs the companionship of at least one adult who can share it, rediscovering with him the joy, excitement and mystery of the world we live in.”   ~ Rachel Carson

And what exactly defines “success?”

In early childhood, we often judge success on how much a child knows.  This leads many parents to put their children into “academic” programs that focus on abstract knowledge, rather than experiential, play-based programs. Is this drive for children to know lots of things, and to perform their knowledge, for the benefit of the children, or their parents, or the result of a misinformed society creating academic standards that are not developmentally appropriate?

These programs have a child ready (academically) for today’s’ highly academic kindergartens by the time they are 5!  So the bigger quest here is how to get parents to relax, and understand that development takes time; and that time is dictated only by the clock within their child. And there is no judgment on this. Some kids are ready to read at 4, and some are ready at 8. It doesn’t mean that either is better. They will all read finally, by third grade. Today’s kids are not failing the academic standards — the academic standards are failing our kids!  Everyone has their own timetable. If we honor it, then they can bloom.

I read somewhere that Einstein didn’t speak until he was 5. If he had been born in this decade, he would be facing evaluation by psychiatrists, and probably drug therapy for his potential autism or other neurological problem… and then what would the world lose?

A child is ready to learn when s/he is ready to learn. I read somewhere else that any academic advantage a child has in kindergarten is short-lived, and outgrown by the time they are in 4th grade. This means that if you take their 3rd and 4th years, and spend them drilling on alphabet and counting, you have simply wasted their time. These children might know how to spell apple, but do they know that an apple is crisp, and cool, and sweet, and white in the inside, red on the outside?  They might know that one plus one is two, but do they know that “one” weighs less than “two”?

It also reminds me of the new “your baby can read” fad. What is the sense of this? It reminds me of something I did, when I first met my husband. He is a native Farsi speaker, which is written in the Arabic alphabet. I wanted to show him that I could read it, so I memorized the alphabet in one night. Not a big deal, really, since there are only 26 or so symbols to remember.  In the morning I demonstrated my new ability to read Farsi by reading the title of the Persian newspaper. And my husband blandly remarked  “very good. impressive. Now tell me what it means.”

The same goes for these little guys who are drilled to learn abstract facts and codes. They can definitely do it — that is not even in question. Their minds are supple sponges, ready to soak up anything within reach. But when we give them things to learn that are driven by our agenda, is that to their benefit, or ours? Are we allowing them to develop their gifts? Are we even allowing them to develop naturally?

And this pressure we feel to keep our child moving in rhythm with the rest of their society is all governed by “standards.” And those standards for children are not developmentally appropriate. Kindergarten is intended as an arena for social and emotional developmental, and first grade a transitional year as our children move from the concrete to the abstract. The system now has foreshortened this in a disastrous way… in fact, many people now refuse to send their child to kindergarten until the age of 6, to avoid the stressful experience their child may encounter in today’s academic and achievement-oriented kindergartens.

In setting guideline for appropriate standards for young people, most challenges arise because the people in charge lack an understanding of developmental milestones and stages. It is pervasive, throughout our society, and trickles down to the parents’ level. The stigma of having a child who is “slow” is a hard one to bear. And if your child doesn’t measure up according to academic standards, then he the implication is that he is a little inferior than the rest of the “normal” population. Ouch! It’s hard not to take that one personally. This is your crown jewel, your little prince, the apple of your eye. A chip off the old block. And you have just been informed that he is not quite good enough. (And what does that say about you…?) And the funny thing is that there is really no “not measuring up” at all! If we all understood ages and stages, then most of these judgments about our children would not be made at all!

Just because our society has advanced into the computer age does not mean that children do not still need to develop from the ground, up. We need to allow children the opportunity to experience the REAL world before they advance into the abstract. We need to let them pick and eat and hold an apple, before we expect them to recognize that a black line drawing represents one.

But the bigger challenge, as educators and child advocates, is how to express this to parents, caretakers, and other educators in a way that they will embrace. How to express this without being judgmental and therefore turning them off completely to what we have to say (and therefore losing the opportunity to make a positive change in someone’s life, and in the world itself.)

www.RivieraPlaySchool.com

Riviera PlaySchool
TEACHING FROM BALANCE
A Mindful program for the ‘Whole Child,’ inspired by the best of Attachment Parenting, Bev Bos, Montessori, Waldorf and Non-Violent Communication.

Lots of Love,
Linda Shannon