It is such a vicious cycle! I am exhausted by feeling compelled to over-do everything else to make up for the ‘luxury’ of staying at home. And then guilt drives me to “do without” in lieu of being with my child. It is insidious, how, little by little I have given up doing things for myself, because I believe that I should be spending more time with my child. But then finally I realized that I was doing nothing for my own pure enjoyment anymore. Everything had become a compromise, or hinged on that love I have for my child. I was sitting there, faced with a stark reality of what my life had become: a slave to my children, and ZERO 1:1 time with MYSELF.  I was relegated to snatching stolen moments of the sweet pleasure of my own, quiet, and peaceful, undemanding company of yself, as though I were my own secret lover.  I found myself stealing seconds at the computer, all the while yelling to the other room “just a moment honey…” and as I yelled it, I couldn’t help but feel a twinge of guilt.  ”You aren’t fully attending to your child,” one voice judged. “You are not enthralled in what he is saying,” another voice announced.  And I also heard, under all of that, a whisper of resentment that I was, yet again, not able to be fully present with my own things, my own passions, my own stuff!

I realized that I had begun to lose my lovely multifaceted self, and had begun to merge into simply, “mum.”  And as lovely as the word is, it is not sufficient to express fully the beautiful essence of who I am.  I would never willingly describe myself with one single adjective, just as I could never sum up my children with only one.

So the question is, what about YOU? Remember the oxygen mask rule: when flying, we are instructed to, in case of a loss in air quality, put the mask on ourselves before helping our child. The same goes for life: take care of yourself well, so you can have enough to share with your child and your family. Hire a sitter or swap with a friend so you can each have some mommy time, and fill yourself back up so there more MOMMY to go around!!!!

Riviera PlaySchool in Redondo Beach, CA
Parenting From Balance
A mindful, “kid-centric” hands-on learning preschool program for the “whole child,” in a nature-ful, organic environment.  Riviera PlaySchool is inspired by the best of Attachment Parenting, Reggio Emilia and Non-Violent Communication.

I just have to say that “helicoptering”  is not only unnecessary, but it steals your child’s confidence….it damages their connection to their personal “inner compass”  (that thing that allows then to learn through pure observation)…and replaces it with a radar that tunes to us for their navigational information.  You see the dillemma, right?  If they defer to our lead and fail to develop their own inner guidance, then they will defer to someone else’s lead when they leave our nest.

This one night only course is offered on 2 different occassions and can serve as a refresher course for those who have already done the Parenting With Spirit series (see above) or as an introduction to Peaceful Parenting for newcomers. One of the most fundamental elements of Peaceful Parenting is the ability to make a shift from our standard ways of thinking about conflict in our families. This mini-workshop will give a brief overview of compassionate communication with a focus on creative problem solving. The format will be a combination of instruction and group sharing of personal questions and challenges. Please join us!

Many parents don’t realize that the education world has changed drastically since they were in school. Schools and class sizes used to be smaller, dropout rates lower, in-school violence almost unheard of, and teachers weren’t terrified of showing affection to their students, or of discussing moral values. Of course, even then, school was far from perfect, but at least the teachers—and usually the principal—knew every student by name, something that is increasingly rare today.

Because our public school system has deteriorated considerably, many parents, teachers, and individuals have taken it upon themselves to create public and private alternatives to that system; and it is important for parents to know that they now have choices.

So how do you know that it’s time to look for another educational approach for your child? Here are some of the signs:

1. Does your child say he or she hates school?

If so, something is probably wrong with the school. Children are natural learners, and when they’re young, you can hardly stop them from learning. If your child says they hate school, listen to them.

2. Does your child find it difficult to look an adult in the eye, or to interact with older or younger children?

If so, your child may have become “socialized” to interact only with peers within their own age group—a very common practice in most schools—and may be losing the ability to communicate with a broader group of children and adults.

3. Does your child seem fixated on designer labels and trendy clothes for school?

This is a symptom of an approach that emphasizes external rather than internal values, causing children to rely on shallower means of comparison and acceptance, rather than deeper values.

4. Does your child come from school tired and cranky?

While a student can have a hard day in any school, consistent exhaustion and irritability are sure signs that their educational experiences are not energizing, but actually debilitating.

5. Does your child come home complaining about conflicts that they’ve had in school, or unfair situations that they have been exposed to?

This may mean that the school does not have a student-centered approach to conflict resolution and communication. Many schools rely on swift, adult-issued problem solving, depriving children of their ability to emotionally process and thoughtfully discuss the situation at hand.

6. Has your child lost interest in creative expression through art, music, and dance?

Within the traditional system, these creative outlets are often considered secondary to “academic” areas, and are not as widely encouraged. In some cases, courses in these areas are not even offered any more. This neglect often devalues, or extinguishes, these natural talents and abilities in children.

7. Has your child stopped reading or writing—or pursuing a special interest—just for fun? Are they investing the bare minimum in homework?

This is often a sign that spontaneous activities and student independence are not being valued in their school. Children have a natural inclination to direct their own learning; however, an emphasis on meeting standardized test requirements limits the abilities of teachers to nurture and encourage this inclination. The result can be an increasing apathy toward subjects that were once exciting, and a loss of creativity.

8. Does your child procrastinate until the last minute to do homework?

This is a sign that the homework is not really meeting his or her needs—perhaps it’s “busy work” or rote memorization—and may be stifling to their natural curiosity.

9. Does your child come home talking about anything exciting that happened in school that day?

If not, maybe nothing in school is exciting for your child. Why shouldn’t school—and education—be a fun, vibrant, and engaging place?

10. Did the school nurse or guidance counselor suggest that your child may have a disease, like ADHD, and should be given Ritalin or another behavior regulating drug?

Be wary of these diagnoses and keep in mind that much of the traditional school curriculum these days is behavior control. If test requirements limit a teacher’s ability to engage students, if students are discouraged from following their own passions and expected to sit for five or six hours a day with limited personal attention and interaction, I suggest it’s the school that has the disease, EDD—Educational Deficit Disorder—and it might be time to get your child out of that situation!

If your child has exhibited several of these characteristics, it’s time for you to start looking for an alternative. In most parts of this country today, there are many options to choose from—public and private. For example, 40 states, the District of Columbia and Puerto Rico have now enacted legislation which allows groups of parents and teachers to create charter schools, which are not stuck with having to fulfill as many of the myriad of state regulations and can create their own individualized approach. There are now more than 4000 of them. There are also 4,500 magnet schools throughout the country, public schools that specialize in an area of expertise, and draw students from a wider geographic area.

Additionally, there are over 4,500 Montessori schools, based on the experiential approach designed by Dr. Maria Montessori, and hundreds of Waldorf schools, which put equal emphasis on traditional academics areas and the arts. There are also hundreds of independent alternative schools, many emphasizing participant control, with parents and students taking responsibility for their own educations.

The latter are often called democratic schools, free schools, or Sudbury schools.

Many public school systems, too, have a variety of alternative programs within their systems. These are divided into two general approaches:

1. Public Choice; programs which are open to any student in the community. Sometimes they are called Schools Within Schools.

2. Public At-Risk; programs for children who have had a variety of problems coping with school. These programs run the spectrum from helpful to dumping grounds. Examine them closely before making a decision to enroll.

Parents of well over a million children in this country have checked off “none of the above” and decided to teach their children at home. It is now legal in every state and does not require teacher certification. Homeschooling has taken a variety of approaches. Some try to create “school at home” with a fairly standard curriculum, the main difference being that parents can teach one-to-one with their children. Some families have signed up with a curriculum designed by an umbrella school; this school will help the parents create their own curriculum or, provide its own basic curriculum, grade homework, and help with any necessary report forms.

A third approach is called “unschooling.” In this case the parent bases their educational approach on the interest of the child and builds on that, rather than a pre-set curriculum. In some cases, curriculum is designed “retroactively,” by keeping records of the activities throughout the year and at the end of the process dividing the experiences into the appropriate subject area.

Remarkably, since most states require some form of testing for homeschoolers, as a group, they average in the 85th percentile, compared to the 50th percentile of the average public school student. There are now so many homeschoolers around the country that virtually all of them are part of some kind of homeschool group. Some of these groups have coalesced into homeschool resource centers and operate as often as four or five days a week. Generally, colleges have discovered that homeschoolers make such good students that they welcome them to apply to their schools.

As more and more parents become aware of, and make, these choices, we hope that the traditional system will evolve into one that meets the needs of an increasing number of students. Meanwhile, don’t wait for that system to change; take responsibility for your child’s education. Find out what your options are and choose what is best for your child.

None of these signs by themselves should be taken as a reason to panic. But if you have noticed several of them, you should certainly explore educational alternatives

–

Riviera PlaySchool in Redondo Beach, CA

TEACHING FROM BALANCE

A Mindful program for the ‘Whole Child,’ inspired by the best of Attachment Parenting, Bev Bos, Montessori, Waldorf and Non-Violent Communication.

cell: (310)408-5616

We all know that our children are not reflections of us, but every once in a while we get tricked into that lie again! It sneaks in, and we spring into RE-action, rather than mindful response. That way of “reflective” thinking is a trap that often leads us to seek approval from the random parents around us. It can throw us into a tizzy of self-judgment: Oh my gosh my child is screaming (at me)! What is that father/store clerk/woman thinking about us/me?! Instead of, “Oh my gosh my child is screaming… what does my child need that I can give him?” The irony is that those parents who we are trying to please in that hot moment of crisis don’t actually matter to us as much as our own children do, nor are they even in line with our own core values!

That self-judgment is probably the most difficult thing to overcome in being parent. It seems we are never enough: we never do enough for our children, we don’t do it well enough, we don’t love them enough, we aren’t patient enough with them, we aren’t energetic enough for them, we aren’t sweet enough for them. That condemning JUDGE inside us tells us in so many ways how we simply aren’t enough for our children.  How do we quiet that voice once and for all?

Perhaps the most important thing about being a parent is to know that we are mentoring all of the time. As Joseph Chilton Pearce says, “We must be the person who we want our child to become.” So if we want our child to love themselves as they deserve to be loved, and to respect themselves with the respect they deserve, and to be OK with being “less than perfect,” then we have to offer that same regard to ourselves first. Ease up on yourself when you are less than “perfect.” (What is, IS perfect, because it IS!)

You have all of the answers your family needs. When in doubt, tune into your your inner compass. You are the guiding light of the house; “mother (father) knows best.” Your child chose you for the answers you have for her. Your child chose you for the parent you are right now — not some perfect parent you will become someday. So the great news is that you get to relax and trust yourself! You ARE enough!

Our children are here to teach us as much as we are here to provide guidance to them. Who else in your life has the ability to take you deep within yourself on a journey of self-discovery and re-ignite that fire within?

Parenting from balance is as simple as taking a step back, and responding to life. How refreshing and so much easier it is to relax into your own family groove, than to keep a stiff upper lip and stay in that grueling race with the Jones’es!

A Green Hour is time for unstructured play and interaction with the natural world. In 2007, the National Wildlife Federation launched GreenHour.org, an online resource providing parents the inspiration and tools to make the outdoors a part of daily life.

NWF recommends that parents give their kids a “Green Hour” every day. This can take place in a garden, a backyard, the park down the street, or any place that provides safe and accessible green spaces where children can learn and play. Scientific research shows kids are happier and healthier when outdoor time is in better balance with indoor time.

And now, as part of Be Out There, Green Hour is strengthened by National Wildlife Federation’s nearly 75 years of experience connecting people with nature, including:

• Dozens of Green Hour’s outdoor activities.
• NatureFind: Find nearby parks, trails and nature centers with a few clicks.
• Frequently updated tips and articles to help you get outside every day.
• Wildlife Watch  
• Schoolyard Habitats
• Great American Backyard Campout & National Wildlife Week  

Today’s kids spend far less time outside than their parents did. For many of them, tweets are not bird calls but 140-character sound bites. Wii, the electronic game, has replaced “wheee!” – the squeal of delight.

Something important has been lost. And Green Hour has helped many families find it.

Share your Green Hour ideas with us here!  We’d love to see your posts or see your shares on Facebook and Twitter.  Have fun out there!

“Here, Kian — some tape!  A staple!  Glue!!  A new one!” A different one!”

I would reel off the remedies like so many spinning plates, but nothing worked.  The more I tried to fix it for him, the louder and more insistent his crying would become.

My antics as “Mommy fix it” lasted for 4 years, until one day (just as my arms were ready to fall off from all of that plate spinning) I realized that what Kian wanted was something I could not give him: an older, more capable body.  Fingers that could manipulate deftly, arms strong enough to move the mountains in his imagination, and legs that could run fast enough to carry his quick mind.

I also realized that what I could give him was my attention.  Maybe his crying was  a request to be seen, and heard.  I learned to stop, and rather than diving in to try to fix it, I would simply reflect what It appeared he was feeling.

“Kian, you sound frustrated.  It looks like you are having a hard time taping that piece of cardboard to your car.”

“YEAAAACHHH!”  The end note was high enough to shatter glass.

“I wonder what you could do to make your plan happen?  Is there anything I can do to help?”

“NoOo!”

I realized that the reason why I had the overwhelming compulsion to dive in and fix his frustration is because Kian is his mother’s son.  I, too, have some perfectionist tendencies… the same tendencies that seem to trigger that keening in Kian.  Maybe I just needed to take a step back and work on my own feelings about this….  Another learning opportunity.  Great (just what I was hoping for!)

Then one day, at a friend’s birthday party, Kian was playing with a whistle he had just received.  I watched him toot the whistle joyfully when suddenly, it dropped right down the sewer — as though someone had snatched it from his mouth, his lips still pursed for another toot.  One minute he was blowing through it happily, and the next, it had popped right out of his hands and dropped down into that black hole in the street.

Kian looked completely stunned, and then he started to cry long, choking sobs of desolation.  It was as though his joy had been snatched right out of his hands by something unseen and beyond his control.  I wondered whether life in his still developing body often felt like that.

As I listened to his pained sobbing, I had to fight the urge to make it better.  I resisted the urge to offer suggestions.  Instead, I let him cry, and I listened, and let him be seen and heard.  Once in a while I reflected.

“I’m sooo sad!!!”

“You’re sad.”

” I loooost it!!”

“You lost it.  What can you do?”

He cried for 5 minutes more. Each of those minutes lasted an hour.  I sat by, saying nothing.  I was just “there.” I noticed his emotions, and resisted the incredible urge to dive in and smooth down ruffled feathers;  kiss Kian and make everything better.  A lot went on in those 5 minutes, but it was all in my head, and in Kian’s body.

Finally Kian seemed to reach down inside himself and pull something out.  He sat up straighter, and a glimmer of hope flashed through the tears.  He choked out, gasping through his sobs, “Hey, I know!  They have more whistles.”

“Really?  Are you sure?” I was a little skeptical — I was afraid it might have been Kian’s magical thinking that conjured up that bag of whistles, ready for the picking.

“Yes!  I saw them”  Kian was still crying, and it was hard to understand him, between the choking sobs. ” I can go back and ask them for another!”

“Ok Kian.  Let’s try.”  We hopped out of the car and walked back toward the park.

When we reached the entrance, the last of the party goers were just leaving.  His friend’s mother was one of them, and she was carrying a bag.  Kian walked right over: “Geri, do you have any more whistles?   Mine went down the sewer.”

“Well Yes, Kian. We do have more whistles.  Here you go!”  She reached into her bag and pulled out a replacement whistle for him.  A satisfied calm swept over Kian’s face, as he whistled his way all the way back to our car.  Kian was self-contained in his joy, and his  newfound power was in every bouncy step.

Kian grew a lot that day.  He stepped right into his power.  And I learned a little more about how to step back at just the right time.  Score one for mommy!

Riviera PlaySchool in Redondo Beach, CA

Parenting From Balance

A humanistic, constructivist, and mindful program for the “whole child,” inspired by the best of Attachment Parenting, Reggio Emilia, Montessori, Waldorf and Compassionate Communication.

direct: (310)408-5616

www.RivieraPlaySchool.com

“People are people no matter how small.”  ~ Horton

Wisdom begins in wonder.    -    Socrates

“Do not train children to learning by force and harshness, but direct them to it by what amuses their minds, so that you may be better able to discover with accuracy the peculiar bent of the genius of each.”  ~ Plato

“If a child is to keep his inborn sense of wonder, he needs the companionship of at least one adult who can share it, rediscovering with him the joy, excitement and mystery of the world we live in.”   ~ Rachel Carson

And what exactly defines “success?”

In early childhood, we often judge success on how much a child knows.  This leads many parents to put their children into “academic” programs that focus on abstract knowledge, rather than experiential, play-based programs. Is this drive for children to know lots of things, and to perform their knowledge, for the benefit of the children, or their parents, or the result of a misinformed society creating academic standards that are not developmentally appropriate?

These programs have a child ready (academically) for today’s’ highly academic kindergartens by the time they are 5!  So the bigger quest here is how to get parents to relax, and understand that development takes time; and that time is dictated only by the clock within their child. And there is no judgment on this. Some kids are ready to read at 4, and some are ready at 8. It doesn’t mean that either is better. They will all read finally, by third grade. Today’s kids are not failing the academic standards — the academic standards are failing our kids!  Everyone has their own timetable. If we honor it, then they can bloom.

I read somewhere that Einstein didn’t speak until he was 5. If he had been born in this decade, he would be facing evaluation by psychiatrists, and probably drug therapy for his potential autism or other neurological problem… and then what would the world lose?

A child is ready to learn when s/he is ready to learn. I read somewhere else that any academic advantage a child has in kindergarten is short-lived, and outgrown by the time they are in 4th grade. This means that if you take their 3rd and 4th years, and spend them drilling on alphabet and counting, you have simply wasted their time. These children might know how to spell apple, but do they know that an apple is crisp, and cool, and sweet, and white in the inside, red on the outside?  They might know that one plus one is two, but do they know that “one” weighs less than “two”?

It also reminds me of the new “your baby can read” fad. What is the sense of this? It reminds me of something I did, when I first met my husband. He is a native Farsi speaker, which is written in the Arabic alphabet. I wanted to show him that I could read it, so I memorized the alphabet in one night. Not a big deal, really, since there are only 26 or so symbols to remember.  In the morning I demonstrated my new ability to read Farsi by reading the title of the Persian newspaper. And my husband blandly remarked  “very good. impressive. Now tell me what it means.”

The same goes for these little guys who are drilled to learn abstract facts and codes. They can definitely do it — that is not even in question. Their minds are supple sponges, ready to soak up anything within reach. But when we give them things to learn that are driven by our agenda, is that to their benefit, or ours? Are we allowing them to develop their gifts? Are we even allowing them to develop naturally?

And this pressure we feel to keep our child moving in rhythm with the rest of their society is all governed by “standards.” And those standards for children are not developmentally appropriate. Kindergarten is intended as an arena for social and emotional developmental, and first grade a transitional year as our children move from the concrete to the abstract. The system now has foreshortened this in a disastrous way… in fact, many people now refuse to send their child to kindergarten until the age of 6, to avoid the stressful experience their child may encounter in today’s academic and achievement-oriented kindergartens.

In setting guideline for appropriate standards for young people, most challenges arise because the people in charge lack an understanding of developmental milestones and stages. It is pervasive, throughout our society, and trickles down to the parents’ level. The stigma of having a child who is “slow” is a hard one to bear. And if your child doesn’t measure up according to academic standards, then he the implication is that he is a little inferior than the rest of the “normal” population. Ouch! It’s hard not to take that one personally. This is your crown jewel, your little prince, the apple of your eye. A chip off the old block. And you have just been informed that he is not quite good enough. (And what does that say about you…?) And the funny thing is that there is really no “not measuring up” at all! If we all understood ages and stages, then most of these judgments about our children would not be made at all!

Just because our society has advanced into the computer age does not mean that children do not still need to develop from the ground, up. We need to allow children the opportunity to experience the REAL world before they advance into the abstract. We need to let them pick and eat and hold an apple, before we expect them to recognize that a black line drawing represents one.

But the bigger challenge, as educators and child advocates, is how to express this to parents, caretakers, and other educators in a way that they will embrace. How to express this without being judgmental and therefore turning them off completely to what we have to say (and therefore losing the opportunity to make a positive change in someone’s life, and in the world itself.)

www.RivieraPlaySchool.com

Riviera PlaySchool
TEACHING FROM BALANCE
A Mindful program for the ‘Whole Child,’ inspired by the best of Attachment Parenting, Bev Bos, Montessori, Waldorf and Non-Violent Communication.

Lots of Love,
Linda Shannon

As a result, I learned that a child who is listened to with interest, feels interesting.  And I also learned that for a child who is not heard at all, it is worse than the opposite.  They don’t simply feel uninteresting: they feel invisible.  Like if they were not here, no one would notice.  I know this because I felt it.  (Did you?)

We also all know that every feeling is valid.  We’re feeling it, and therefore it’s “OK.”  If we exclude “negative” feelings, and only allow “positive” feelings,” then the world would be a very sad place, devoid of true emotion.  Hmm…in some ways easer, huh?!  But as a parent, I have to evaluate my own feelings about the situation at hand, and then keep them separate from my child’s feelings…and allow my children to have their own experience.  (And in the process, I just might learn something from them!)

Naomi Aldort talks about taking a step back and allowing our children to have their own experience of life; and Bryron Katie talks about self acceptance in “Loving What Is.”

Then I remember: the only way I can arrive at a place of total acceptance of others is by accepting myself completely beforehand.  I have to start by accepting my own emotions, without judgment.  That’s a hard one at times…  especially when my “good mom” barometer is keeping score.  OUCH!!  But then I remember that we are all in this journey together.  It’s like Rumi says, we are all stones in a stream, polishing ourselves against each other.

For example, I still get the urge to hide my face when I cry.  I know this came from my parents telling me to go to my room, or they would “give me something to cry about.”  And that came from their inability to feel the pain that my crying triggered in them. AND because I know this, I do not repeat it with my own children.

Life is amazing.  I am so lucky to be awake for this journey with my children!

XOXO

Linda Shannon

June 23rd, 2011 7:00pm—9:00pm

SUPPORT THE HEALTHY DEVELOPMENT OF CHILDREN’S SENSUALITY

$50 per person, $75 per couple

REGARDLESS OF ABILITY TO PAY, Register online at:

echoparenting.org by clicking on Registration Center or contact Azucena Ortiz at 213.484.6676 ext 311 or aortiz@echoparenting.org

**Scholarships available.

Support healthy sexuality, body image, and self care from the framework of nonviolence.

When we, mothers and fathers can be comfortable talking to our children, supporting their natural curiosity about them- selves and others we can answer the hard questions children will ask about bodies and sexual

things. Through our support and openness, children will grow up with a matter-of- fact feeling that sex is natural, bodies need to be respected and that one can ask questions that the adults will be available to answer.

This class will be held in a private home in Redondo Beach. Directions provided upon registration.

Space is limited, so register now.