Helicoptering and Inner Compasses

I have been ruminating on helicoptering. You know, that thing that we do at the park when we are afraid of offending other people via our child’s poor behavior. “Tommy! Don’t throw sand! Share your toys!”

Are You Listening…?

I have been putting my attention on listening lately.

I was thinking about a conflict the other day that involved my son and myself. I realized that ‘conflict resolution,’ per se, doesn’t truly exist when the conflict is between the two of us. And that is because I have an agenda. You see, I think I know the better way, the better tactic, the “truth,” and even before I let my son explain his thoughts and intentions, I am already formulating my response.

Today’s Educational World

Many parents don’t realize that the education world has changed drastically since they were in school. Schools and class sizes used to be smaller, dropout rates lower, in-school violence almost unheard of, and teachers weren’t terrified of showing affection to their students, or of discussing moral values. Of course, even then, school was far from perfect, but at least the teachers—and usually the principal—knew every student by name, something that is increasingly rare today.

Growing Through the Pain

My son Kian has always been good at conjuring up plans… but bringing them to life is another matter entirely. The pieces wouldn’t fit, the parts would fall off, or the wheels would not turn. His grand visions just needed his building expertise to catch up a little more…. and his ensuing frustration would start to leak out sideways, screaming like steam from a kettle. It was impossible for me to ignore: his loud keening was a veritable curse to the gods. It penetrated me. I could feel his chafing frustration in my heart, seeping in like hot oil. It would sit and simmer then, until something would finally snap. There was no turning back! I would lose all control, and spring into “Fix It Mode!”

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Use Your Words!

Parenting can be like tobogganing down a flight of stairs on a swatch of cardboard: smooth and easy, with just a couple of bumps and bruises! A good guideline for accomplishing this is to swap shoes with your child: treat them as you would like to be treated. And like Horton says: “People are People no Matter How Small.”

Family Values

My current favorite thought: Embrace every moment, “Be it gash, or gold, for it will not come again in this incredible disguise.” (Gwendolyn Brooks)

Taking A Step Back

We all know that our children are not reflections of us, but every once in a while we get tricked into that lie again! It sneaks in, and we spring into RE-action, rather than mindful response. That way of “reactive” thinking is a trap that often leads us to seek approval from the random parents around us. It can throw us into a tizzy of self-judgment: Oh my gosh my child is screaming (at me)! What is that father/store clerk/woman thinking about us/me?! Instead of, “Oh my gosh my child is screaming… what does my child need that I can give him?” The irony is that those random parents who we are trying to please in that hot moment of crisis don’t actually matter to us as much as our children do, nor are they even in line with our own core values!

Taking a Step Back Can Provide All the Freedom Your Child Needs!

Freedom to have power, explore, create, play, and resolve conflicts can be given to children anywhere, at anytime. These freedoms are so essential to becoming individuals, and so essential to discovering our own purpose in life, and our gifts. And yet parents these days seem to helicopter over their children, surely motivated by love, providing guidance and a running commentary on their child’s every action: “Say please! Share! Don’t do that – take turns! That’s not nice!” Contrary to these parents’ loving desires for their children, this hovering and directing steals away their children’s opportunity for magic and joy and power, and individuation! How do we arrive at a place where we can allow our children to freely experience the (dangerous?) world we live in?

Letter to my Child

Dear Kian, As you prepare for kindergarten, I wanted to write a letter to you, my love, to document my hopes for you, my love for you, and my admiration of you. I hope you will live in a world of peace, nature, community, egalitarianism, and high ideals.

I want you to be fulfilled and happy, and value the importance of life’s simple pleasures. This is where you will find true bliss.

Just today you said to me “I believe anything is possible,” and with that, I felt I had achieved the bulk of my intentions with you.

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