Now, typically I would simply agree, but something told me not to on that day.  So instead of putting pen to paper, I said “Nandu, I will write it.  But why don’t you?”

Linda!  Nandu puffed out in exasperation “I CAN’T write!  I’m just 4!!”

“I looked at her “Nandu” do you know what writing is?”

“No” she said, eyes wide in wonder.

“Writing is just some marks that you make to remind yourself of what you wanted to say.  It is kind of a code.”

“Really?!” Said Nandu, in delight.

“Yes!” I said “And someday, you will learn a set of marks that everyone else can read, as well.  But right now, you can just make your own and that will work.”

“Ok!” she said.  And she excitedly began putting her story down on paper, shielding her paper from my prying eyes as she wrote.

What a success story!  We don’t want to extinguish their excitement for learning… we want to light their fire for it.

Riviera PlaySchool in Redondo Beach, CA
Parenting From Balance
A mindful, “kid-centric” hands-on learning preschool program for the “whole child,” in a nature-ful, organic environment.  Riviera PlaySchool is inspired by the best of Attachment Parenting, Reggio Emilia and Non-Violent Communication.

We start to lose our lovely multifaceted selves, and become simply, “mom.”  As lovely as the word is, it is not sufficient to express fully the beautiful essence of who we are… We would never willingly describe ourselves with a single adjective, just as we would never intend to limit our child to being simply “a son.”

So the question is, what about YOU? Remember the oxygen mask rule: when flying, we are instructed to, in case of a loss in air quality, put the mask on ourselves before helping our child. The same goes for life: take care of yourself well, so you can have enough to share with your child and your family. Hire a sitter or swap with a friend so you can each have some mommy time, and fill yourself back up so there more MOMMY to go around!!!!

And beware, moms — sometimes we feel guilty when we want to hire a caregiver because we feel we are depriving our child of us… but actually, we are giving them a gift: we are giving them time to be with themselves, and with someone who is dedicated to paying full attention to them. And because we are able to replenish ourselves during that time, the net sum is that we are actually giving them MORE of ourselves, not less!

Riviera PlaySchool in Redondo Beach, CA
Parenting From Balance
A mindful, “kid-centric” hands-on learning preschool program for the “whole child,” in a nature-ful, organic environment.  Riviera PlaySchool is inspired by the best of Attachment Parenting, Reggio Emilia and Non-Violent Communication.

I just have to say that “helicoptering”  is not only unnecessary, but it steals your child’s confidence….it damages their connection to their personal “inner compass”  (that thing that allows then to learn through pure observation)…and replaces it with a radar that tunes to us for their navigational information.  You see the dillemma, right?  If they defer to our lead and fail to develop their own inner guidance, then they will defer to someone else’s lead when they leave our nest.

I was thinking about a conflict the other day that involved my son and myself. I realized that ‘conflict resolution,’ per se, doesn’t truly exist when the conflict is between the two of us. And that is because I have an agenda. You see, I think I know the better way, the better tactic, the “truth,” and even before I let my son explain his thoughts and intentions, I am already formulating my response. I am already figuring out how to convey my views and my “Wisdom” so that he will ‘get it’ and then he will magically become a better person. So I go through the motions of listening to why he did such and such, but I am not really taking it in. I am not really considering it. I have hopped onto my mental ‘habitrail’ again, and disengaged from what is actually happening in the moment.

Which means I am actually NOT LISTENING at all! And when I realized I have been doing this, I was astonished. I thought I was exemplar at listening to my son’s needs!

When I saw that I haven’t been listening, I had to admit that I have also been assuming quite a bit. Ouch. Assuming can be dangerous. Assumptions can mean we’re idling in neutral. Ouch again.

So, I had to admit that when I am in a conflict with my son, instead of really listening to him explain his thoughts and motives for “miss” behaving, I am really waiting for him to finish explaining so I can then lead him to my conclusions and lessons. (That he shouldn’t hit, because hitting hurts, for example.) And this does nothing for his unmet need….that he wants Tommy to stop hitting him, for example!

Wow. Really NOT LISTENING.

So the good thing is that I realized I am missing a major benefit of conflicts when I do this: the opportunity to connect on a deeper level. Every conflict is another opportunity to strengthen our connection with people (our children included.) I would even go so far as to say that conflicts are the whole point of human life. Conflicts are where all of us really get to stretch as people. And if we ignore the part where we get to listen empathically — where we get to really put ourselves into someone else’s shoes, then we are missing out on the part of life where we connect. Because it is during conflicts when the real exchanges happen between people, and that is when we all get to define ourselves, and stretch and grow and come to really know and enjoy each other.

None of this is to say that we don’t still convey our feelings about things, or our limits and boundaries. It just means that we get more chances to REfine and DEfine what those feelings are. They don’t have to become dusty old rote responses in our mental attics!

Many parents don’t realize that the education world has changed drastically since they were in school. Schools and class sizes used to be smaller, dropout rates lower, in-school violence almost unheard of, and teachers weren’t terrified of showing affection to their students, or of discussing moral values. Of course, even then, school was far from perfect, but at least the teachers—and usually the principal—knew every student by name, something that is increasingly rare today.

Because our public school system has deteriorated considerably, many parents, teachers, and individuals have taken it upon themselves to create public and private alternatives to that system; and it is important for parents to know that they now have choices.

So how do you know that it’s time to look for another educational approach for your child? Here are some of the signs:

1. Does your child say he or she hates school?

If so, something is probably wrong with the school. Children are natural learners, and when they’re young, you can hardly stop them from learning. If your child says they hate school, listen to them.

2. Does your child find it difficult to look an adult in the eye, or to interact with older or younger children?

If so, your child may have become “socialized” to interact only with peers within their own age group—a very common practice in most schools—and may be losing the ability to communicate with a broader group of children and adults.

3. Does your child seem fixated on designer labels and trendy clothes for school?

This is a symptom of an approach that emphasizes external rather than internal values, causing children to rely on shallower means of comparison and acceptance, rather than deeper values.

4. Does your child come from school tired and cranky?

While a student can have a hard day in any school, consistent exhaustion and irritability are sure signs that their educational experiences are not energizing, but actually debilitating.

5. Does your child come home complaining about conflicts that they’ve had in school, or unfair situations that they have been exposed to?

This may mean that the school does not have a student-centered approach to conflict resolution and communication. Many schools rely on swift, adult-issued problem solving, depriving children of their ability to emotionally process and thoughtfully discuss the situation at hand.

6. Has your child lost interest in creative expression through art, music, and dance?

Within the traditional system, these creative outlets are often considered secondary to “academic” areas, and are not as widely encouraged. In some cases, courses in these areas are not even offered any more. This neglect often devalues, or extinguishes, these natural talents and abilities in children.

7. Has your child stopped reading or writing—or pursuing a special interest—just for fun? Are they investing the bare minimum in homework?

This is often a sign that spontaneous activities and student independence are not being valued in their school. Children have a natural inclination to direct their own learning; however, an emphasis on meeting standardized test requirements limits the abilities of teachers to nurture and encourage this inclination. The result can be an increasing apathy toward subjects that were once exciting, and a loss of creativity.

8. Does your child procrastinate until the last minute to do homework?

This is a sign that the homework is not really meeting his or her needs—perhaps it’s “busy work” or rote memorization—and may be stifling to their natural curiosity.

9. Does your child come home talking about anything exciting that happened in school that day?

If not, maybe nothing in school is exciting for your child. Why shouldn’t school—and education—be a fun, vibrant, and engaging place?

10. Did the school nurse or guidance counselor suggest that your child may have a disease, like ADHD, and should be given Ritalin or another behavior regulating drug?

Be wary of these diagnoses and keep in mind that much of the traditional school curriculum these days is behavior control. If test requirements limit a teacher’s ability to engage students, if students are discouraged from following their own passions and expected to sit for five or six hours a day with limited personal attention and interaction, I suggest it’s the school that has the disease, EDD—Educational Deficit Disorder—and it might be time to get your child out of that situation!

If your child has exhibited several of these characteristics, it’s time for you to start looking for an alternative. In most parts of this country today, there are many options to choose from—public and private. For example, 40 states, the District of Columbia and Puerto Rico have now enacted legislation which allows groups of parents and teachers to create charter schools, which are not stuck with having to fulfill as many of the myriad of state regulations and can create their own individualized approach. There are now more than 4000 of them. There are also 4,500 magnet schools throughout the country, public schools that specialize in an area of expertise, and draw students from a wider geographic area.

Additionally, there are over 4,500 Montessori schools, based on the experiential approach designed by Dr. Maria Montessori, and hundreds of Waldorf schools, which put equal emphasis on traditional academics areas and the arts. There are also hundreds of independent alternative schools, many emphasizing participant control, with parents and students taking responsibility for their own educations.

The latter are often called democratic schools, free schools, or Sudbury schools.

Many public school systems, too, have a variety of alternative programs within their systems. These are divided into two general approaches:

1. Public Choice; programs which are open to any student in the community. Sometimes they are called Schools Within Schools.

2. Public At-Risk; programs for children who have had a variety of problems coping with school. These programs run the spectrum from helpful to dumping grounds. Examine them closely before making a decision to enroll.

Parents of well over a million children in this country have checked off “none of the above” and decided to teach their children at home. It is now legal in every state and does not require teacher certification. Homeschooling has taken a variety of approaches. Some try to create “school at home” with a fairly standard curriculum, the main difference being that parents can teach one-to-one with their children. Some families have signed up with a curriculum designed by an umbrella school; this school will help the parents create their own curriculum or, provide its own basic curriculum, grade homework, and help with any necessary report forms.

A third approach is called “unschooling.” In this case the parent bases their educational approach on the interest of the child and builds on that, rather than a pre-set curriculum. In some cases, curriculum is designed “retroactively,” by keeping records of the activities throughout the year and at the end of the process dividing the experiences into the appropriate subject area.

Remarkably, since most states require some form of testing for homeschoolers, as a group, they average in the 85th percentile, compared to the 50th percentile of the average public school student. There are now so many homeschoolers around the country that virtually all of them are part of some kind of homeschool group. Some of these groups have coalesced into homeschool resource centers and operate as often as four or five days a week. Generally, colleges have discovered that homeschoolers make such good students that they welcome them to apply to their schools.

As more and more parents become aware of, and make, these choices, we hope that the traditional system will evolve into one that meets the needs of an increasing number of students. Meanwhile, don’t wait for that system to change; take responsibility for your child’s education. Find out what your options are and choose what is best for your child.

None of these signs by themselves should be taken as a reason to panic. But if you have noticed several of them, you should certainly explore educational alternatives

–

Riviera PlaySchool in Redondo Beach, CA

TEACHING FROM BALANCE

A Mindful program for the ‘Whole Child,’ inspired by the best of Attachment Parenting, Bev Bos, Montessori, Waldorf and Non-Violent Communication.

cell: (310)408-5616

“Here, Kian — some tape!  A staple!  Glue!!  A new one!” A different one!”

I would reel off the remedies like so many spinning plates, but nothing worked.  The more I tried to fix it for him, the louder and more insistent his crying would become.

My antics as “Mommy fix it” lasted for 4 years, until one day (just as my arms were ready to fall off from all of that plate spinning) I realized that what Kian wanted was something I could not give him: an older, more capable body.  Fingers that could manipulate deftly, arms strong enough to move the mountains in his imagination, and legs that could run fast enough to carry his quick mind.

I also realized that what I could give him was my attention.  Maybe his crying was  a request to be seen, and heard.  I learned to stop, and rather than diving in to try to fix it, I would simply reflect what It appeared he was feeling.

“Kian, you sound frustrated.  It looks like you are having a hard time taping that piece of cardboard to your car.”

“YEAAAACHHH!”  The end note was high enough to shatter glass.

“I wonder what you could do to make your plan happen?  Is there anything I can do to help?”

“NoOo!”

I realized that the reason why I had the overwhelming compulsion to dive in and fix his frustration is because Kian is his mother’s son.  I, too, have some perfectionist tendencies… the same tendencies that seem to trigger that keening in Kian.  Maybe I just needed to take a step back and work on my own feelings about this….  Another learning opportunity.  Great (just what I was hoping for!)

Then one day, at a friend’s birthday party, Kian was playing with a whistle he had just received.  I watched him toot the whistle joyfully when suddenly, it dropped right down the sewer — as though someone had snatched it from his mouth, his lips still pursed for another toot.  One minute he was blowing through it happily, and the next, it had popped right out of his hands and dropped down into that black hole in the street.

Kian looked completely stunned, and then he started to cry long, choking sobs of desolation.  It was as though his joy had been snatched right out of his hands by something unseen and beyond his control.  I wondered whether life in his still developing body often felt like that.

As I listened to his pained sobbing, I had to fight the urge to make it better.  I resisted the urge to offer suggestions.  Instead, I let him cry, and I listened, and let him be seen and heard.  Once in a while I reflected.

“I’m sooo sad!!!”

“You’re sad.”

” I loooost it!!”

“You lost it.  What can you do?”

He cried for 5 minutes more. Each of those minutes lasted an hour.  I sat by, saying nothing.  I was just “there.” I noticed his emotions, and resisted the incredible urge to dive in and smooth down ruffled feathers;  kiss Kian and make everything better.  A lot went on in those 5 minutes, but it was all in my head, and in Kian’s body.

Finally Kian seemed to reach down inside himself and pull something out.  He sat up straighter, and a glimmer of hope flashed through the tears.  He choked out, gasping through his sobs, “Hey, I know!  They have more whistles.”

“Really?  Are you sure?” I was a little skeptical — I was afraid it might have been Kian’s magical thinking that conjured up that bag of whistles, ready for the picking.

“Yes!  I saw them”  Kian was still crying, and it was hard to understand him, between the choking sobs. ” I can go back and ask them for another!”

“Ok Kian.  Let’s try.”  We hopped out of the car and walked back toward the park.

When we reached the entrance, the last of the party goers were just leaving.  His friend’s mother was one of them, and she was carrying a bag.  Kian walked right over: “Geri, do you have any more whistles?   Mine went down the sewer.”

“Well Yes, Kian. We do have more whistles.  Here you go!”  She reached into her bag and pulled out a replacement whistle for him.  A satisfied calm swept over Kian’s face, as he whistled his way all the way back to our car.  Kian was self-contained in his joy, and his  newfound power was in every bouncy step.

Kian grew a lot that day.  He stepped right into his power.  And I learned a little more about how to step back at just the right time.  Score one for mommy!

Riviera PlaySchool in Redondo Beach, CA

Parenting From Balance

A humanistic, constructivist, and mindful program for the “whole child,” inspired by the best of Attachment Parenting, Reggio Emilia, Montessori, Waldorf and Compassionate Communication.

direct: (310)408-5616

www.RivieraPlaySchool.com

“People are people no matter how small.”  ~ Horton

Wisdom begins in wonder.    -    Socrates

“Do not train children to learning by force and harshness, but direct them to it by what amuses their minds, so that you may be better able to discover with accuracy the peculiar bent of the genius of each.”  ~ Plato

“If a child is to keep his inborn sense of wonder, he needs the companionship of at least one adult who can share it, rediscovering with him the joy, excitement and mystery of the world we live in.”   ~ Rachel Carson

As a result, I learned that a child who is listened to with interest, feels interesting.  And I also learned that for a child who is not heard at all, it is worse than the opposite.  They don’t simply feel uninteresting: they feel invisible.  Like if they were not here, no one would notice.  I know this because I felt it.  (Did you?)

We also all know that every feeling is valid.  We’re feeling it, and therefore it’s “OK.”  If we exclude “negative” feelings, and only allow “positive” feelings,” then the world would be a very sad place, devoid of true emotion.  Hmm…in some ways easer, huh?!  But as a parent, I have to evaluate my own feelings about the situation at hand, and then keep them separate from my child’s feelings…and allow my children to have their own experience.  (And in the process, I just might learn something from them!)

Naomi Aldort talks about taking a step back and allowing our children to have their own experience of life; and Bryron Katie talks about self acceptance in “Loving What Is.”

Then I remember: the only way I can arrive at a place of total acceptance of others is by accepting myself completely beforehand.  I have to start by accepting my own emotions, without judgment.  That’s a hard one at times…  especially when my “good mom” barometer is keeping score.  OUCH!!  But then I remember that we are all in this journey together.  It’s like Rumi says, we are all stones in a stream, polishing ourselves against each other.

For example, I still get the urge to hide my face when I cry.  I know this came from my parents telling me to go to my room, or they would “give me something to cry about.”  And that came from their inability to feel the pain that my crying triggered in them. AND because I know this, I do not repeat it with my own children.

Life is amazing.  I am so lucky to be awake for this journey with my children!

XOXO

Linda Shannon

June 23rd, 2011 7:00pm—9:00pm

SUPPORT THE HEALTHY DEVELOPMENT OF CHILDREN’S SENSUALITY

$50 per person, $75 per couple

REGARDLESS OF ABILITY TO PAY, Register online at:

echoparenting.org by clicking on Registration Center or contact Azucena Ortiz at 213.484.6676 ext 311 or aortiz@echoparenting.org

**Scholarships available.

Support healthy sexuality, body image, and self care from the framework of nonviolence.

When we, mothers and fathers can be comfortable talking to our children, supporting their natural curiosity about them- selves and others we can answer the hard questions children will ask about bodies and sexual

things. Through our support and openness, children will grow up with a matter-of- fact feeling that sex is natural, bodies need to be respected and that one can ask questions that the adults will be available to answer.

This class will be held in a private home in Redondo Beach. Directions provided upon registration.

Space is limited, so register now.

It is Never too Early to Begin Reasoning with your Child.

Parenting can be like tobogganing down a flight of stairs on a swatch of cardboard: smooth and easy, with just a couple of (well placed) bumps and bruises!  A good guideline for accomplishing this is to swap shoes with your child: treat them as you would like to be treated.  And like Horton says: “People are People no Matter How Small.”

My son (who is not a genius though I would like to think he is) could communicate his feelings very well at 18 months.  He told me that there were “too many kids” at nursery school, he told me that “Walter is my mean friend” because “he hits me” and much more. Pretty sophisticated communication for a tot who was still cutting his linguistic teeth.  And yet, in my experience, this level of communication it is simply typical of what the children at playschool are capable of.

At playschool, we start from a place of assuming that the children may be able to understand at least part of our communication.  If we were instead to assume they could not understand, then the limits would be instantly set in stone (by us!)  So instead, while we don’t require them to understand, we do provide them with an opportunity to if they are able.

And we don’t forget that even non verbal cues (our actions) are an impressive and sometimes indelible form of communication.

As you know, in the world of NVC (which includes playschool, of course) we do not punish as a way to control behavior.  Instead, we view behavior as a tactic to meet an unmet need.  We look under the behavior to identify the unmet need, and then coach the child with a better, more successful tactic they could use instead.  Punishment teaches nothing more than bullying.  Especially in the case of hitting — how would punishment teach a person that hitting/hurting is not OK?  How would hurting a person teach them not to hurt others?

In the case with many children who hit, they often have caretakers who use force with them.  They do so with the best of intentions — for example, they pull things out of their children’s hands out of fear that the child will hurt themselves or break the object in question, or they move their child bodily rather than asking them to move.  But the net result is that they use force as a means to control behavior. This teaches the child, very experientially, to use force with other children as a way to engage, and to control.

A good guideline for interacting with children is to swap shoes: we like to strive to treat others as we would like to be treated.  And from there, it is all like tobogganing down a flight of stairs on a swatch of cardboard: smooth and easy, with just a couple of bumps and bruises!

Love,

Linda

Riviera PlaySchool in Redondo Beach, CA

TEACHING FROM BALANCE

A Mindful program for the ‘Whole Child,’ inspired by the best of Attachment Parenting, Reggio Emilia, Montessori, Waldorf and Compassionate Communication.

We can establish our own values, and get back to basics!

If you first check in with yourself, and get to know yourself well, you will have all of the answers at your fingertips, in the form of “family values.”

Our Family Values include the following.  (What are yours?)

We took ours from all of the great prophets: Jesus, Mohammand, Abraham, Buddha, and others…

Treat other as you would have them treat you.

Love yourself well, and love yourself as you would like your child to be loved.

When you judge, know that you probably have that very judgment about yourself. So forgive yourself — love yourself for who you are.  You are worth it!!

Always be honest.

Always say what you mean.

Always follow your heart.  Be true to yourself.

Don’t take things personally; know that everyone is just doing the best they can, and that their actions are about them (where their head is at, at that moment)

Be grateful for what you have and it will multiply.

Enjoy life.

And my current favorite: Embrace every moment, “Be it gash, or gold, for it will not come again in this incredible disguise.” (Gwendolyn Brooks)

XOXO

Linda Shannon