Have you ever tried to hurry a little boy into his clothing and out the door?  It is usually to no avail — the shirt becomes a pirate’s hat, and then his eye catches a forgotten toy — everything is so richly distracting to children, because they are still engaged so deeply in living life.

This is what is so easy to forget as an adult – how to be passionate and engaged and see the magic in life.

So why do we try to pounce it out of them? “Straighten up!  Hurry Up!  Come on, we’ll be late!”

LATE FOR WHAT????   What is the hurry?!!!! What could be more important than living?

This is a great reminder for me.  Whenever I climb back onto that treadmill of “earning a living,” I tend to forget how to slow down and BE where my children are.  I often forget how to take time to meet them here, in the moment, even if it’s only for  a snatched 10 minutes at a time.  But when I do, I find Pure Bliss.

XOXO

Linda

www.RivieraPlaySchool.com

Riviera PlaySchool in Redondo Beach, CA
TEACHING FROM BALANCE
A humanistic, constructivist, and mindful program for the “whole child,” inspired by the best of Attachment Parenting, Reggio Emilia, Montessori, Waldorf and Compassionate Communication.

“Here, Kian — some tape!  A staple!  Glue!!  A new one!” A different one!”

I would reel off the remedies like so many spinning plates, but nothing worked.  The more I tried to fix it for him, the louder and more insistent his crying would become.

My antics as “Mommy fix it” lasted for 4 and a half years, until one day (just as my arms were ready to fall off from all of that plate spinning) I realized that what Kian wanted was something I could not give him: an older, more capable body.  Fingers that could manipulate deftly, arms strong enough to move the mountains in his imagination, and legs that could run fast enough to carry his quick mind.

I also realized that what I could give him was my attention.  Maybe his crying was  a request to be seen, and heard.  I learned to stop, and rather than diving in to try to fix it, I would simply reflect what it appeared he might be feeling.

“Kian, you sound frustrated.  It looks like you are having a hard time taping that piece of cardboard to your car.”

“YEAAAACHHH!”  The end note was high enough to shatter glass.

“I wonder what you could do to make your plan happen?  Is there anything I can do to help?”

“NoOo!”

I realized that the reason why I had the overwhelming compulsion to dive in and fix his frustration is because Kian is his mother’s son.  I, too, am have some perfectionist tendencies… the same tendencies that would trigger that keening in Kian.  Maybe I just needed to take a step back and work on my own feelings about this….  Another learning opportunity.  Great (just what I was hoping for!)

Then one day, at a friend’s birthday party, Kian was playing with a whistle he had just received.  I watched him toot the whistle joyfully when suddenly, it dropped right down the sewer — as though someone had snatched it from his mouth, his lips still pursed for another toot.  One minute he was blowing through it happily, and the next, it had popped right out of his hands and dropped down into that black hole in the street.

Kian looked completely stunned, and then he started to cry long, choking sobs of desolation.  It was as though his joy had been snatched right out of his hands by something unseen and beyond his control.  I wondered whether life in his still developing body often felt like that.

As I listened to his pained sobbing, I had to fight the urge to make it better.  I resisted the urge to offer suggestions.  Instead, I let him cry, and I listened, and let him be seen and heard.  Once in a while I reflected.

“I’m sooo sad!!!”

”You’re sad.”

” I loooost it!!”

“You lost it.  What can you do?” (and NOT “what can I DO for you?”  ;)

He cried for 5 minutes more. Each of those minutes lasted an hour.  I sat by, saying nothing.  I was just “there.” I noticed his emotions, and resisted the incredible urge to dive in and smooth down ruffled feathers;  kiss Kian and make everything better.  A lot went on in those 5 minutes, but it was all in my head, and in Kian’s body.

Finally Kian seemed to reach down inside himself and pull something out.  He sat up straighter, and a glimmer of hope flashed through the tears.  He choked out, gasping through his sobs, “Hey, I know!  They have more whistles.”

“Really?  Are you sure?” I was a little skeptical — I was afraid it might have been Kian’s magical thinking that conjured up that bag of whistles, ready for the picking.

“Yes!  I saw them”  Kian was still crying, and it was hard to understand him, between the choking sobs. ” I can go back and ask them for another!”

“Ok Kian.  Let’s try.”  We hopped out of the car and walked back toward the park.

When we reached the entrance, the last of the party goers were just leaving.  His friend’s mother was one of them, and she was carrying a bag.  Kian walked right over: “Geri, do you have any more whistles?   Mine went down the sewer.”

“Well Yes, Kian. We do have more whistles.  Here you go!”  She reached into her bag and pulled out a replacement whistle for him.  A satisfied calm swept over Kian’s face, as he whistled his way all the way back to our car.  Kian was self-contained in his joy, and his  newfound power was in every bouncy step.

Kian grew a lot that day.  He stepped right into his power.  And I learned a little more about how to step back at just the right time.  Score one for mommy!

Riviera PlaySchool in Redondo Beach, CA
TEACHING FROM BALANCE
A Mindful program for the ‘Whole Child,’ inspired by the best of Attachment Parenting, Reggio Emilia, Bev Bos, Montessori, Waldorf and Non-Violent Communication.

 Setting boundaries that work with children 

Parenting is a life-long learning process of nurturing our connection with our children.  Parenting is “messy” business.  There is no “prescription” for dealing with the day-to-day challenges of raising children.  There are however, basic communication tools that can assist parents in dealing positively with challenges, while deepening the relationship between parent and child.     

Workshop Content:

This workshop will focus on limit-setting techniques which support children in developing the ability to set safe limits for themselves. Discussion points to include:

• The risks associated with punishment and reward
• Why limits are important
• Preventing conflict
• Self-regulation
• Problem-solving

DETAILS:

Date: Thursday, February 23

Time: 7:00 to 9:00 pm

Location: Riviera PlaySchool

Cost: $10 each for RPS parents/ $20 each for general public

RSVP: RivieraPlaySchool@gmail.com

Introducing Facilitators Laura Dotson and Melody Elder:

Laura Dotson M.A., LMFT, the mother of 4 adult children and Ruby’s, Hyla’s, and Ayro’s grandmother, has over 35 years of varied experience working with adults and children.  She was a staff member at Play Mountain Place for 10 years, and for the past 15 years has been the Psych. Consultant at Manhattan Beach Nursery School.  Laura maintains a private practice as a Marriage and Family Therapist in the South Bay, and holds a Master’s Degree in Clinical Psychology.

Melody Elder M.A.Ed., the mother of an adult daughter, is a teacher and parent educator with over 35 years experience working with children and parents in nursery school, elementary school, and home-school settings.  She has taught parenting classes for South Bay Adult School and the Center for Positive Parenting and works part-time teaching and directing at Manhattan Beach Nursery School.  Melody maintains a private coaching practice in the South Bay where she facilitates parenting support groups as well as 1:1 coaching.  She holds a Master’s Degree in Education and in Spiritual Psychology and is a credentialed teacher in Early Childhood, Elementary, and Special Education.

Contact Information:

Contact Laura at: lauradotson@adelphia.net

Contact Melody at: melody.elder@verizon.net (www.awakenedheartparenting.com)

Now, typically I would simply agree, but something told me not to on that day.  So instead of putting pen to paper, I said “Nandu, I will write it.  But why don’t you?”

Linda!  Nandu puffed out in exasperation “I CAN’T write!  I’m just 4!!”

“I looked at her “Nandu” do you know what writing is?”

“No” she said, eyes wide in wonder.

“Writing is just some marks that you make to remind yourself of what you wanted to say.  It is kind of a code.”

“Really?!” Said Nandu, in delight.

“Yes!” I said “And someday, you will learn a set of marks that everyone else can read, as well.  But right now, you can just make your own and that will work.”

“Ok!” she said.  And she excitedly began putting her story down on paper, shielding her paper from my prying eyes as she wrote.

What a success story!  We don’t want to extinguish their excitement for learning… we want to light their fire for it.

Riviera PlaySchool in Redondo Beach, CA
Parenting From Balance
A mindful, “kid-centric” hands-on learning preschool program for the “whole child,” in a nature-ful, organic environment.  Riviera PlaySchool is inspired by the best of Attachment Parenting, Reggio Emilia and Non-Violent Communication.

It is such a vicious cycle! I am exhausted by feeling compelled to over-do everything else to make up for the ‘luxury’ of staying at home. And then guilt drives me to “do without” in lieu of being with my child. It is insidious, how, little by little I have given up doing things for myself, because I believe that I should be spending more time with my child. But then finally I realized that I was doing nothing for my own pure enjoyment anymore. Everything had become a compromise, or hinged on that love I have for my child. I was sitting there, faced with a stark reality of what my life had become: a slave to my children, and ZERO 1:1 time with MYSELF.  I was relegated to snatching stolen moments of the sweet pleasure of my own, quiet, and peaceful, undemanding company of yself, as though I were my own secret lover.  I found myself stealing seconds at the computer, all the while yelling to the other room “just a moment honey…” and as I yelled it, I couldn’t help but feel a twinge of guilt.  ”You aren’t fully attending to your child,” one voice judged. “You are not enthralled in what he is saying,” another voice announced.  And I also heard, under all of that, a whisper of resentment that I was, yet again, not able to be fully present with my own things, my own passions, my own stuff!

I realized that I had begun to lose my lovely multifaceted self, and had begun to merge into simply, “mum.”  And as lovely as the word is, it is not sufficient to express fully the beautiful essence of who I am.  I would never willingly describe myself with one single adjective, just as I could never sum up my children with only one.

So the question is, what about YOU? Remember the oxygen mask rule: when flying, we are instructed to, in case of a loss in air quality, put the mask on ourselves before helping our child. The same goes for life: take care of yourself well, so you can have enough to share with your child and your family. Hire a sitter or swap with a friend so you can each have some mommy time, and fill yourself back up so there more MOMMY to go around!!!!

Riviera PlaySchool in Redondo Beach, CA
Parenting From Balance
A mindful, “kid-centric” hands-on learning preschool program for the “whole child,” in a nature-ful, organic environment.  Riviera PlaySchool is inspired by the best of Attachment Parenting, Reggio Emilia and Non-Violent Communication.

One Night Stand:  DECEMBER 6,  7:00 pm to 9:00 pm

This class is free to Riviera PlaySchool parents.  (RSVP required at: (310) 529-6209)

All others can register online at:  http://www.apeacefulparent.com/events/

XXX

Linda

This one night only course is offered on 2 different occassions and can serve as a refresher course for those who have already done the Parenting With Spirit series (see above) or as an introduction to Peaceful Parenting for newcomers. One of the most fundamental elements of Peaceful Parenting is the ability to make a shift from our standard ways of thinking about conflict in our families. This mini-workshop will give a brief overview of compassionate communication with a focus on creative problem solving. The format will be a combination of instruction and group sharing of personal questions and challenges. Please join us!

Many parents don’t realize that the education world has changed drastically since they were in school. Schools and class sizes used to be smaller, dropout rates lower, in-school violence almost unheard of, and teachers weren’t terrified of showing affection to their students, or of discussing moral values. Of course, even then, school was far from perfect, but at least the teachers—and usually the principal—knew every student by name, something that is increasingly rare today.

Because our public school system has deteriorated considerably, many parents, teachers, and individuals have taken it upon themselves to create public and private alternatives to that system; and it is important for parents to know that they now have choices.

So how do you know that it’s time to look for another educational approach for your child? Here are some of the signs:

1. Does your child say he or she hates school?

If so, something is probably wrong with the school. Children are natural learners, and when they’re young, you can hardly stop them from learning. If your child says they hate school, listen to them.

2. Does your child find it difficult to look an adult in the eye, or to interact with older or younger children?

If so, your child may have become “socialized” to interact only with peers within their own age group—a very common practice in most schools—and may be losing the ability to communicate with a broader group of children and adults.

3. Does your child seem fixated on designer labels and trendy clothes for school?

This is a symptom of an approach that emphasizes external rather than internal values, causing children to rely on shallower means of comparison and acceptance, rather than deeper values.

4. Does your child come from school tired and cranky?

While a student can have a hard day in any school, consistent exhaustion and irritability are sure signs that their educational experiences are not energizing, but actually debilitating.

5. Does your child come home complaining about conflicts that they’ve had in school, or unfair situations that they have been exposed to?

This may mean that the school does not have a student-centered approach to conflict resolution and communication. Many schools rely on swift, adult-issued problem solving, depriving children of their ability to emotionally process and thoughtfully discuss the situation at hand.

6. Has your child lost interest in creative expression through art, music, and dance?

Within the traditional system, these creative outlets are often considered secondary to “academic” areas, and are not as widely encouraged. In some cases, courses in these areas are not even offered any more. This neglect often devalues, or extinguishes, these natural talents and abilities in children.

7. Has your child stopped reading or writing—or pursuing a special interest—just for fun? Are they investing the bare minimum in homework?

This is often a sign that spontaneous activities and student independence are not being valued in their school. Children have a natural inclination to direct their own learning; however, an emphasis on meeting standardized test requirements limits the abilities of teachers to nurture and encourage this inclination. The result can be an increasing apathy toward subjects that were once exciting, and a loss of creativity.

8. Does your child procrastinate until the last minute to do homework?

This is a sign that the homework is not really meeting his or her needs—perhaps it’s “busy work” or rote memorization—and may be stifling to their natural curiosity.

9. Does your child come home talking about anything exciting that happened in school that day?

If not, maybe nothing in school is exciting for your child. Why shouldn’t school—and education—be a fun, vibrant, and engaging place?

10. Did the school nurse or guidance counselor suggest that your child may have a disease, like ADHD, and should be given Ritalin or another behavior regulating drug?

Be wary of these diagnoses and keep in mind that much of the traditional school curriculum these days is behavior control. If test requirements limit a teacher’s ability to engage students, if students are discouraged from following their own passions and expected to sit for five or six hours a day with limited personal attention and interaction, I suggest it’s the school that has the disease, EDD—Educational Deficit Disorder—and it might be time to get your child out of that situation!

If your child has exhibited several of these characteristics, it’s time for you to start looking for an alternative. In most parts of this country today, there are many options to choose from—public and private. For example, 40 states, the District of Columbia and Puerto Rico have now enacted legislation which allows groups of parents and teachers to create charter schools, which are not stuck with having to fulfill as many of the myriad of state regulations and can create their own individualized approach. There are now more than 4000 of them. There are also 4,500 magnet schools throughout the country, public schools that specialize in an area of expertise, and draw students from a wider geographic area.

Additionally, there are over 4,500 Montessori schools, based on the experiential approach designed by Dr. Maria Montessori, and hundreds of Waldorf schools, which put equal emphasis on traditional academics areas and the arts. There are also hundreds of independent alternative schools, many emphasizing participant control, with parents and students taking responsibility for their own educations.

The latter are often called democratic schools, free schools, or Sudbury schools.

Many public school systems, too, have a variety of alternative programs within their systems. These are divided into two general approaches:

1. Public Choice; programs which are open to any student in the community. Sometimes they are called Schools Within Schools.

2. Public At-Risk; programs for children who have had a variety of problems coping with school. These programs run the spectrum from helpful to dumping grounds. Examine them closely before making a decision to enroll.

Parents of well over a million children in this country have checked off “none of the above” and decided to teach their children at home. It is now legal in every state and does not require teacher certification. Homeschooling has taken a variety of approaches. Some try to create “school at home” with a fairly standard curriculum, the main difference being that parents can teach one-to-one with their children. Some families have signed up with a curriculum designed by an umbrella school; this school will help the parents create their own curriculum or, provide its own basic curriculum, grade homework, and help with any necessary report forms.

A third approach is called “unschooling.” In this case the parent bases their educational approach on the interest of the child and builds on that, rather than a pre-set curriculum. In some cases, curriculum is designed “retroactively,” by keeping records of the activities throughout the year and at the end of the process dividing the experiences into the appropriate subject area.

Remarkably, since most states require some form of testing for homeschoolers, as a group, they average in the 85th percentile, compared to the 50th percentile of the average public school student. There are now so many homeschoolers around the country that virtually all of them are part of some kind of homeschool group. Some of these groups have coalesced into homeschool resource centers and operate as often as four or five days a week. Generally, colleges have discovered that homeschoolers make such good students that they welcome them to apply to their schools.

As more and more parents become aware of, and make, these choices, we hope that the traditional system will evolve into one that meets the needs of an increasing number of students. Meanwhile, don’t wait for that system to change; take responsibility for your child’s education. Find out what your options are and choose what is best for your child.

None of these signs by themselves should be taken as a reason to panic. But if you have noticed several of them, you should certainly explore educational alternatives

–

Riviera PlaySchool in Redondo Beach, CA

TEACHING FROM BALANCE

A Mindful program for the ‘Whole Child,’ inspired by the best of Attachment Parenting, Bev Bos, Montessori, Waldorf and Non-Violent Communication.

cell: (310)408-5616