Tuesday, September 26, 2017

How to Make Your Child Listen and Respect You.

April 29, 2013 by  
Filed under Parenting From Balance©

I have been putting my attention on listening lately.

I was thinking about a conflict the other day that involved my son and myself. I realized that ‘conflict resolution,’ per se, doesn’t truly exist when the conflict is between the two of us. And that is because I have an agenda. You see, I think I know the better way, the better tactic, the “truth,” and even before I let my son explain his thoughts and intentions, I am already formulating my response. I am already figuring out how to convey my views and my ‘Wisdom’ so that he will ‘get it’ and then he will magically become a better person. So I go through the motions of listening to why he did such and such, but I am not really taking it in. I am not really considering it. I have hopped onto my mental ‘habitrail’ again, and disengaged from what is actually happening in the moment.

Which means I am actually NOT LISTENING at all! And when I realized I have been doing this, I was astonished. I thought I was exemplar at listening to my son’s needs!

When I saw that I haven’t been listening, I had to admit that I have also been assuming quite a bit. Ouch. Assuming can be dangerous. Assumptions can mean we’re idling in neutral. errrrgh.

So, I had to admit that when I am in a conflict with my son, instead of really listening to him explain his thoughts and motives for “miss” behaving, I am really waiting for him to finish explaining so I can then lead him to my conclusion. (That I have a need for him to refrain from squabbling,  because squabbling ruins my need for peace, for example.)

Wow. Really NOT LISTENING… to his needs.

The good thing is that I realized I am missing a major benefit of conflicts when I do this: the opportunity to connect on a deeper level. Every conflict with anyone is another opportunity to strengthen our connection with people (our children included.) I would even go so far as to say that conflicts are the whole point of human life. Conflicts are where all of us really get to stretch as people. And if we ignore the part where we get to listen empathically — where we get to really put ourselves into someone else’s shoes — then we are missing out on the part of life where we create connections with other people. Because it is during conflicts that the profound exchanges happen between people, and that is when we all get to define ourselves, and stretch and grow and come to really know and enjoy each other.

None of this is to say that we don’t still convey our feelings about things, or our limits and boundaries. It just means that we get more chances to REfine and DEfine what those feelings are. They don’t have to become dusty old rote responses in our mental attics!

Lots of Love,

Linda

Riviera PlaySchool in Redondo Beach, CA

Parenting From Balance

A mindful, “kid-centric” hands-on learning preschool program for the “whole child,” in a nature-ful, organic environment.  Riviera PlaySchool is inspired by the best of Attachment Parenting, Reggio Emilia and Non-Violent Communication.


Comments

4 Responses to “How to Make Your Child Listen and Respect You.”
  1. Bonnie Landau says:

    Wow, I do this all the time too. Thank you so much for pointing it out so I can do conscious listening rather than waiting to making my point.

  2. Simone says:

    Thank you Linda again for a great reminder/article…..I love your newsetters, always inspiring to be a better mother/human being. I did publish it on my facebook page “I am a happy mom”…of ocurse with yoru credits.
    Looking forward to the next issue!

  3. Michelle says:

    Hi Linda,
    Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I completely related. I actually have “unconditional positive regard, I don’t need to be the jury and judge” posted on my refrigerator as a constant reminder. I really enjoyed your piece and struggle with this all the time. How to keep the judgement at bay and the curiosity alive!!
    Thanks,
    Michelle (from MBNS)

  4. Tristan says:

    This is a beautifully insightful piece and plays perfectly to relationships with other family members too… particularly with spouses, don’t you think?!? You are so right, we have such a beautiful opportunity to create new connected space between each other when we take the time to listen and understand. I have a saying in my home, “Do you want to be right or do you want to be in a relationship?” which I use as a reminder to myself and others that we can be in this to score… the only winning is when no one feels like they walk away a loser. It isn’t easy, but it is worth a try. Thanks for the beautiful post.

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