Friday, February 23, 2024

Conscious Discipline

September 3, 2010 by  
Filed under Parenting From Balance©

Dear Parents,

I am always looking for ways to define what we practice at Riviera PlaySchool.  What we have is a unique meld of conscious or compassionate or non violent communication, attachment parenting, mindfulness, abundance, gratitude, and self-awareness, along with the an age-appropriate developmental approach toward academic and structural aspects from Montessori, Waldorf, and Reggio Emilia.  Riviera PlaySchool is exceptional because each of our teachers at playschool is an exceptional human being who has the capacity to take a step back and respond compassionately, and has the passion to be with your child in every unfolding moment. 

I recently came across a website by a woman named Becky Bailey, who happens to have authored a pretty good  description of how we approach our role as teachers here at Riviera Playschool!  Becky calls it conscious discipline, and it all starts with “Being Who You Want Your Children to Become”  (Joseph Chilton Pearce).   I am not in love with the way she defines this as a “classroom management system,” however.  Instead, I call it a way of being.

And also, as my mentor and friend Melody Elder pointed out to me, this article doesn’t give much practical advice for parents “who are tired, triggered, experiencing big real-life challenges, or who simply have had a very different way of being raised with no exposure to having their feelings heard on a deep level in an emotionally safe space.”  We provide that personally at playschool to our parents.  But the article does give a nice overview of what we accomplish at playschool on a daily basis. 

If you would like more information about Riviera PlaySchool, or are interested in any of our workshops on how to reach a place of response, rather than reaction with our children and in general life, please contact us at:

Linda:  (310)408-5616

Conscious Discipline by Becky Bailey

What is Conscious Discipline?

Conscious Discipline is a comprehensive classroom management program and a social-emotional curriculum. It is based on current brain research, child development information, and developmentally appropriate practices.

Conscious Discipline has been specifically designed to make changes in the lives of adults first. The adults, in turn, change the lives of children.

Conscious Discipline is a way or organizing schools and classrooms around the concept of a School Family.  Each member of the family—both adult and child—learns the skills needed to successfully manage life tasks such as learning, forming relationships, communicating effectively, being sensitive to others’ needs and getting along with others.

Conscious Discipline empowers teachers and other adults with the Seven Powers for Self Control.

The Seven Powers of Self Control

  • Perception – No one can make you mad without your permission
  • Unity – We are all in this together
  • Love – See the best in others
  • Attention – What you focus on, you get more of
  • Acceptance – The moment is as it is
  • Free will – The only person you can make change is yourself
  • Intention – Conflict is an opportunity to teach

These powers allow teachers to draw from within themselves to become proactive instead of reactive during moments of conflict. Teachers stay in control of themselves and positively influence children.

Self-control is not pretending to be calm in difficult moments. Self-control is the ability to reach out and empathize with others; to accept and celebrate differences; to communicate feelings directly; resolve conflicts in constructive ways; and to enjoy becoming a contributing member of a community.

From the beliefs instilled with the Seven Powers for Self Control emerge the Seven Basic Skills of Discipline.

The Seven Basic Skills of Discipline

  • Composure – Becoming the person you want your children to be
  • Encouragement – Building a school family
  • Assertiveness – Respectfully setting limits
  • Choices – Building self esteem and will power
  • Positive Intent – Creating teachable moments, turning conflict into cooperation
  • Empathy – Handling the fussing and the fits
  • Consequences – Helping children learn from their mistakes

These skills change how adults respond to conflict in such a way as to facilitate the development of the frontal lobes in children. Through the Powers and Skills, adults stay in control of themselves and in charge of children.

As adults begin to change their attitudes and behaviors, so will the children in their care. We cannot teach behaviors and skills that we do not possess ourselves.

Ten “To Do’s” for Discipline

Tell children what to do

  • Principle: What you focus on, you get more of.
  • Application: Instead of saying, “No pushing, you know better than to push your brother, pushing is not nice,” say, “When you want your brother to move say, ‘Move please.’ Tell him now.” Focus on what you want your children to do!

Give children useable information, especially when you are upset.

  • Principle: When you are upset you are always focused on what you don’t want.
  • Application: Instead of saying, “Why isn’t this homework done? Do you want to fail? How many times do we have to go over this?” you could say, “You can start with your math homework or reading. Which is best for you?”

Help children to be successful instead of attempting to make or get them to behave.

  • Principle: The only person you can make change is yourself.
  • Application: How often have we attempted to make a smoker quit smoking or growing child eat her peas? There is a better way. Instead of asking yourself, “How am I going to get my child to stay in bed,” ask yourself, “How am I going to help my child be more likely to choose to stay in her bed?” The first question will give you manipulative, coercive answers. The second question will give you creative, cooperative solutions.

Use your children as resources to solve their own problems.

  • Principle: Two heads are better than one.
  • Application: Instead of you trying to figure out what needs to be done, ask your children for input. You could say, “What would help you finish your homework by 8:00 p.m.?” Help children solve their problems themselves.

Put your children on your “to do list” and spend time enjoying them.

  • Principle: The motivation to behave comes from being in relationship with one another.
  • Application: When a child says, “I don’t care,” she is really saying, “I don’t feel cared for.” Cooperation comes from connection. If your child chronically refuses to listen or tells you they don’t care, then you must start by rebuilding your relationship and rekindling family rituals.

Encourage your children during wonderful times and tough times. Do not attempt to get children to feel bad in order to behave better.

  • Principle: Encouragement empowers.
  • Application: Be your children’s cheerleader. Constantly tell them, “You did it,” “Way to go,” “Look at you,” or “Good for you.” When you children are struggling you might say, “I believe in you, you can do this.”

Take back your power. You are in charge.

  • Principle: Whoever you believe to be in charge of your feelings, you have placed in charge of you.
  • Application: Instead of saying, “Don’t make me have to pull this car over,” say, “I’m going to pull this car over until the seatbelts are fastened and everyone is safe.”  Instead of saying, “You drive me nuts,” say, “I’m going to take a few deep breaths and calm myself down.  Then I will talk to you.”  When children refuse to do what you ask state, “I’m going to show you what I want you to do.”  Then help them be successful.

Become the person you want your children to be.

  • Principle: We must discipline ourselves first and our children second.
    Application: Instead of screaming, “You better get control of yourself right now,” take a deep breath and calm yourself down. Be a S.T.A.R. (Smile, Take a deep breath, And Relax). Become what you want your child to be. If you want calmness, demonstrate how to be calm.

Do not save your children from the consequences of their actions.

  • Principle: Psychological pain is a signal to make changes in your life.
    Application: Help your child handle disappointing choices. Offer empathy instead of lectures after poor choices. Instead of saying, “I told you not to take that picture to school. It’s your own fault it got torn in half. That is what you get for not listening to me,” say, “How disappointing for you. I know how important that picture was to you.”  Empathy allows children to take responsibility for their actions, while lecturing allows them to blame you for their distress.

Teach children how to handle their conflicts instead of punishing them for not knowing how.

  • Principle: Conflict is an opportunity to teach.
  • Application: When one child comes to you tattling on the other, use these moments to teach life skills. When one sibling says, “He pushed me,” you say, “Did you like it?” The child will likely say, “No!” At this point you can say, “Go tell your brother, ‘I don’t like it when you push me.'” Use these intrusive episodes as a way to teach assertiveness skills to your children.

Become conscious of the intent behind each of your interactions. Your intent is more powerful than any words.

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